My kids are early risers. I don't mind getting up relatively early. I actually am a morning person. But when I put everyone down to bed at nearly 9 o'clock at night, I expect them to sleep until 7 or 8 a.m. I just believe that this is adequate sleep time for very young children. But no matter what I've tried, 6:30 seems to be my wakeup call, and that's just not OK. Matt and I spent a small fortune on expensive blackout curtains, thinking that their rooms were too bright in the mornings (Parker even has East-facing windows). But the curtains seem to make a difference. We live in a small, gated, town home community, so we wondered if noise from neighbors driving through the development to go to work in the mornings was waking the kids up. So we decided to run white noise machines in all of the bedrooms to cancel out the sound. But that didn't seem to do much either. Then there seemed to be a pattern of one of the kids waking the other one up before we could stop them, so we taught Sydnie to turn on her little bedroom tv by herself when she wakes up, instead of going and bothering her brother. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't, but either way, I'm awake from hearing cartoons blare through the baby monitor. So I feel like I've exhausted all of my options. I'm tired every day, and I just want ALL of us to be well-rested and happy.

Recently, a friend told me about these clever little things that help young kids "tell time", so they know when (and when not) to get out of bed. There are quite a few options for these sleep training clocks, some more expensive than others. And some seem a little more complex to understand for my kids, or didn't get great online reviews. So after some research, I found this one: The Gro Clock. The link will take you to a UK retailer, but I've been able to find quite a few US options. I think this will really help us! I just have to wrap my head around buying TWO of them, since the kids don't share a room. But I'm sure if they work like the reviews say they do, they will be priceless.

I am so ready for our days not to start so early! I'm hopeful that there is help on the horizon though.

Two Weeks Down...

Only... well, I don't even know how many there are to go. It feels like it's been SO long since we last saw Matt, but at the same time, it's gone by SO fast. The days feel long and short. It's weird. It's so easy to think of how hard it is for me all the time... the exhaustion and just being away from my hubby. But I have to remind myself how hard it is for him to be away from the kids and me. As much as I fantasize about a hotel room all to myself, I know that I would be so lonely and sad without my babies! And I know he feels this. Missing out on the day-to-day. When the one of the kids say or do something new and hilarious, or sweet. I get to see and hear all of it! And he wishes he could. I need to remind myself of this more often.

When Matt first left, to make the adjustment less stressful, my goal was to get the kids out of the house every day. I have incredible support and help in my in-laws, who live about 10 minutes away, but they work full-time. So, on the weekdays, I have to get creative with ways to keep us busy. The play area at the mall is one of our favorite things to do. It's a really nice mall, and the playground is really clean. I sip an iced coffee, and hang with Quinn while the other two run their energy out. It lets them socialize (and me!), and gets us out without leaving the precious air conditioning (it's already 100+ degrees here! Yuck!) I also re-joined 24 Hour Fitness, which has a great kid care! We were really on track with this "stay busy" plan... and then we all got sick. It was brutal. Thank God that's over! Now that we're on the mend, it's time to implement the plan of attack again. I joined a friend's 45 day fitness challenge (totally spur-of-the-moment decision) that will hopefully kick my butt back into shape! And I am hoping to get back to cooking more. I cook EVERY night during the off season. I love to cook. But I lose all motivation and inspiration when it's just the kids and me. Because really, it's just me who would eat the dishes that I WANT to make. But I need to get better at that. So, I have a favorite in the crock pot right now. Here's a link to Crockpot Chicken. It's so good!

So, in a nutshell, we are thriving! And Matt is doing great. We had a really great talk the other day about the fact that he's feeling very at peace right now. And obviously, this makes my heart so very happy! We've had a lot of closure lately. If you know us well, then you know what I mean. But basically, we have finally closed the book on a lot of things that were holding us back, and that's allowed a huge weight to be lifted from us. Yes, we are essentially starting from the bottom with baseball right now, but it's a new beginning. And the only direction he can go is up! Truly. Haha! So, in so many different aspects of our lives, we've been given a fresh start. And this has been such a breath of fresh air. Matt said he's finally having fun again. Despite all the let-downs and heartbreaks in baseball, he's choosing to put that all behind him. And so far, his new outlook is reflecting onto the field. He has been pitching great, and feeling strong, and "free and easy". And I am just SUCH a proud wife. No matter what happens.

I have to share that I was so touched by the incredible response to my last couple of blog entries. I got handfuls of comments, private messages, and text messages, and so many of you share my feelings about so many things. It feels so comforting to know that, as a woman, I am not alone in my feelings about motherhood and personal struggles. However, it also made me a little sad. Why is so hard for so many of us to let our guards down? We force ourselves to put up such a strong front. It's essential in front of our children in a lot of ways. If we were just unraveling all the time, what example would we be for our kids? But what about in private? Or with a small group of close friends? Why is so hard to be free with our emotions and feelings?

Since I became a mom, I felt the need to have the best. Not for me, for my kids. The best baby gear, the safest car seat, the best baby shoes that would promote healthy walking, only organic foods. I beat myself up for not breastfeeding my kids for as long as the next mom. Everything needed to be perfect. Perfectly scheduled, perfectly cleaned, perfectly organized. I got (and still get) compliments on how easy I made/make it all look. How calm, and even-keeled I was/am with my kids. How well-manned my kids are. I have always been incredibly flattered by these compliments. But I laugh to myself. I think, "Oh my gosh, if they only knew what it took for me to get us all out of the house." If I could just have cameras on me while I run around the house, sweating. Frantically packing the diaper bag. Trying not to forget anything. Meanwhile the baby is crying, and my older two are fighting over train tracks, I still have to take the dogs out, and none of the bottles have been washed yet. But no one sees that part. Thank God.

If people saw all of that, would they still feel the same way about me? Or would they judge my every slip of the tongue, when I say "shit" in front of one of my kids, or how I let the dishes pile up, and the laundry sit unfolded for days. I am imperfect. And I still judge. We all do. Moms are the worst "judgers" of all. We judge so incredibly harshly. Other moms' choices and parenting styles. We judge them by their out-of-control 2 year-old at the playground, and by the choices they make about what food they buy, and how they dress, and how their kids dress. I am SO imperfect. So what gives me the right to make judgements about anyone else? God judges us enough, so I certainly should not be wasting my time. Everyone has a story. Just like no one knows what it took me to get us all out of the house, and loaded up in the car, I have no idea what those other moms' mornings were like.

At the end of the day, when I sometimes choose sleep over food, I have a chance to reflect on all of this. And I've been able to read through the wonderful, SUPPORTIVE responses to this blog. My silly little blog. One friend was shocked to read that I have insecurities. Um, yes. Don't we all? Just because I don't think I'm the epitome of perfection, doesn't mean I'm sad, or weak. And just because I'm kind of a mess sometimes, does that really mean I'm anything less than a great mom? Again, I am not perfect. In many ways. But my kids are loved. Not just loved, but treasured, and they know this. I am blessed. My life is crazy, and I usually only have time to wash my hair a couple times a week, and my kids drive me nuts, and I miss having time for friends, and I do kind of wish I had my pre-baby body back. But I really do love my life. My kids. My husband. My messy, tiny house. I just want to be honest. And I wish more people also wanted to be honest. And I wish we could all soften ourselves to each other. It's been such a breath of fresh air to share a part of myself here, and I look forward to even more opportunities!

Let's Be Honest.

I've always tried very hard, maybe too hard, to be seen as a fairly confident girl. When things hurt me or bother me, I do a pretty decent job of not letting my emotions be obvious. But I am much more sensitive than most people understand. I do not let very many people in, close to my heart. And in a lot of ways, that has backfired. Not many people know where I really stand on core issues... even where I stand when it comes to the little things.

I am not the best, the smartest, the prettiest, the fastest, the coolest, the most talented, the funniest, or the strongest. Just to name a few. And sometimes that's hard to acknowledge. I let my opinion of myself depend too much on what others think of me... or what I think they think of me. I have been known to work myself up so much because of this horribly ugly weakness, that I can make myself sick. I care FAR TOO MUCH about what others think of me. It is what I wish I could change about myself the most. 

Because I do not let many people know my heart, most people do not know anything about my personal journey during these passed couple of years. And truthfully, most people will never know the extent of WHY I've traveled the road that I have. And I'm glad for that. Because it is not a pretty journey. It is ugly, and tearful, and sad. But I am a survivor. And that's because I let Jesus into my heart, and He showed me more mercy and grace than this sinner will ever deserve. I am still developing this relationship with the lord. I work on it every day. We talk constantly, and I am so thankful for this. 

One of the biggest prayers that I have for myself is to learn to let things roll off of me like water. I'll never know why a lot of things happen or have happened. Why friends have come into my life, and then left. I'll always wish I could go back and do things differently, or say things differently in so many ways, but that is just impossible, unfortunately. I'll try to analyze every detail of things that have gone wrong. Why we've seen more success, and more disappointment in the passed 5 years than anyone should ever deal with. I'll never know why my hair sucks so hard, and takes at least an hour to tame. I'll wish I could be as pretty as her, or her, but this is my face, and this is my gnarly post-pregnancy body, and I need to just embrace it all. I'll never know why things can't be just the way I wish they were. As much as I TORTURE myself about every single thing for the rest of my life, it won't matter. Because I am not the one in control.

I suppose this turned into a more journal-like post. And I guess that's okay. I am learning so much in this life. It took me a really long time to truly open my eyes to this world. And I'm STILL learning. I will be learning for the rest of my life. I need to loosen up, and learn to let go. God knows who needs to be in my life, and He will keep those near me who He sees belong near me. And as I continue to struggle with being such a huge critic of myself, I pray that people who love me, can try to understand my complicated heart. That I am not perfect, even though I really do wish I was.

Hands Free Mama

I've wanted to write so many times lately, about so many things. But I somehow prioritize writing after a number of other things. Unimportant things, really. Things that should not take up as much time in my life as they do... but they do. And that's going to change. I've been a mess lately, I'll be the first to admit.

Matt's gone. After Spring Training, the Dodgers released him. We patiently (sort of) waited for another opportunity to present itself, and a few weeks later it finally did. He signed with an Independent team in New Jersey called the Jackals. We are hopeful, and prayerful, that it's not long before an affiliated team signs him back. But in the meantime, I am with the kids in Arizona still. And it is lonely.

And other than that, it has just been me... holding down the fort, and trying to keep my composure and sanity. And be 2 parents in one, by showing my kids all the love and attention that Matt and I would both be giving them. It's hard. I won't sugarcoat it. I am a crying, frazzled mess. I yell more than I want to. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision, and then once I make up my mind, I beat myself by convincing myself that I've made a horrible choice. I don't get enough sleep, and I'm stressed. And I just miss my hubby. And I wish I could tell the future in so many ways, and wind myself up so tight thinking about EVERYTHING, that I feel like I could explode.

On top of the craze of this everyday life I live, I also make myself crazy by trying to constantly stay up-to-date on the most recent pictures that people post on Facebook and Instagram. The constant status updates. Trying to comment on all of the one million different things that I see and read, and feel guilt (GUILT!) for not "liking" every single one. And I do this in the midst of my children, who see this terrible bad habit of mine, and think it's okay and normal.

Well, it's NOT okay OR normal. My parents may not have been perfect, but they were THERE. Physically and mentally and emotionally. We read, and played outside, and they were usually right there with us. Watching us. Never looking down to check some device. I need to be more like that.

So, this was a lot of information. And a pretty roundabout way of saying that, "I'm cutting back!" I have to make a better effort of being 100% present for my kids. When they nap, I'll read more. I'll do more crafts, and be more on top of chores, so that when they do wake up... I'll be more prepared to just be there. I'm going hands free!