I've prompted myself to write for some time now. But these Summer days have felt like Groundhog Day, so other than the mundane day-to-day happenings, I'm not sure what I would've REALLY written. Until now.

To describe this past year in baseball as a roller coaster would be an understatement. There were highs, and there've been heartbreaking lows. I've thought to myself, and told a couple close friends that I wasn't sure how much more my spirit could take of the disappointment that Matt and I kept feeling. But a quote from my favorite minister, Joyce Meyer, kept my heart and mind pushing on.

"It's easy to quit- it takes faith to go through."

I trusted that, as long as God was providing the opportunity for Matt to keep playing, that that was what we were meant to do. And when Matt's team in New Jersey released him in June, we felt for a moment that maybe the door was closing. I sat with him in our hotel room, and cried. I cried because I knew how much his spirit was being crushed. That we'd gotten to this point. He'd experienced the highest level of success that he could attain in his profession. He played with some of baseball's elite. And he did well! And now here we were. Sitting in a Jersey hotel room, with no idea what the hell we were going to do next. But then we heard a little whisper. Actually, it was more like a holler. (Haha) My sweet friend, Ashley Hill, called me 7 times while Matt and I were out to dinner that night. She left a voicemail urging me to call her back ASAP. 

Let me back up... Ashley's husband was also playing baseball in the Northeast at the time, and we realized that not only did our trips to visit overlap, but our husbands would be playing just 30 minutes from each other at one point! So, before I got to New Jersey, we'd planned to meet one day. When Matt was released, I had to tell her that I wouldn't be able to make it, and why. 

So when I called her to find out what was going on, she said that her hubby's team was really in need of pitchers, and that they wanted to see Matt throw for them. We were amazed at the timing. God was working for us! I ended up getting to see Ashley during my trip, and I was SO thankful that things happened the way they did. I'm really still so overwhelmed by it all.

I left Matt in New Jersey, and flew back to Arizona. I felt peaceful that he was now where he needed to be. He would go to York, PA to play for a new team. He had a pitching coach to work with now, who he'd be able to fix up some mechanics that were messing with him. Things were going pretty well for awhile, and he was seeing lots of improvements. But a couple bad games from him forced the team to make the decision to release him. So we were back to square one.

I spent most of that first day crying. I was feeling pretty bad for myself. Feeling bad for Matt. And just feeling bad in general. I put the kids down for naps, and just crawled in bed and sobbed for a few hours. Sometimes trusting that God has my (our) best interest at heart is impossible to see. And frankly, in my eyes, His timing just sucks sometimes. I was angry that we were in this position. And my heart was broken about the possible end of baseball for us. 

Baseball, for anyone who lives it/ has lived it, is a way of life. When I married Matt, I married baseball too. We had a relationship. There are not four seasons of the year for baseball families. There are two: off season, and baseball season. We lived it. Our lives revolved around it; and not because they had to, but because we loved it. It was a part of our souls. And I'm not sure if that will ever change. We do not know if this is the end of that "relationship" yet. I've told God that I'm done guessing. I'm done wondering what He's trying to tell me. From now on, if we make a move in life, it's because we've been slapped across the face with a HUGE sign from Him. So, we will see. Matt's agent has been wonderful, and suggested we just take some time to be a family. No decisions for now. We're just going to live life the way "normal people" do for awhile, and I suppose there's a bit of peace in that. 

So, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. There are obviously so many people right now who need prayers more than we ever will. But just a little shout out would be cool ;-)

Happenings

Such a busy month this has been. Well, really not "busy" by normal standards. But "busy" in that I am just trying to stay sane and survive! I have been SO tired by the end of the day lately, that I have skipped dessert most nights. Anyone who knows me knows how insane THAT sounds. I know, I know. Huge. But that, and the Arizona heat, and just running around after these kids all day have all helped me drop a few more leftover post-Quinn pounds. For the record, I have only 4 to go until I'm back to my pre-kids weight! WOO! I still have lots of work to do getting it all toned back up, but one step at a time, huh?

The kids are doing great, but are probably a little bored during the week most of the time. I try to get us out of the house once a day, but it usually ends up being more like every other day. Today we went to SEA LIFE Arizona, and had a great time! I love finding good, stimulating, INDOOR activities like that. We'll definitely go back! They are learning so much, and I'm sometimes blown away by the things they know and say. Sydnie asked me about America tonight, and if we could go there. So, we pulled up a map, and had a little preschool style geography session. She is also really grasping letters and letter sounds lately, and she LOVES to show me things she learns with her alphabet computer. Parker is never far behind. I've always said he learned to talk before he even walked. He's really a smart little guy! And with a big sister who loves to learn, he'll do just fine! We're starting to narrow down our year-long preschool search, and plan to start them both this Fall. We talk about school all the time! They can't wait.

Quinn turned 8 months-old yesterday! Which reminds me that I'm late posting her monthly update picture on Facebook! She is such a funny, energetic little thing. She's never been a great napper, but has recently started sleeping ALL the way through the night. I'm talking 12-14 hours per night. It's GLORIOUS.

I'm starting to prep for a trip to New Jersey to visit Matt this weekend. His birthday is on Sunday, and my sweet in-laws suggested I go visit while they watch the kids! I am blown away by them! I've procrastinated getting things organized for my time away, but I'm pretty seasoned at packing under pressure. I think I'm mostly still in denial that I'm actually going to be traveling alone.

On that note, I should get a list started ;-)

My kids are early risers. I don't mind getting up relatively early. I actually am a morning person. But when I put everyone down to bed at nearly 9 o'clock at night, I expect them to sleep until 7 or 8 a.m. I just believe that this is adequate sleep time for very young children. But no matter what I've tried, 6:30 seems to be my wakeup call, and that's just not OK. Matt and I spent a small fortune on expensive blackout curtains, thinking that their rooms were too bright in the mornings (Parker even has East-facing windows). But the curtains seem to make a difference. We live in a small, gated, town home community, so we wondered if noise from neighbors driving through the development to go to work in the mornings was waking the kids up. So we decided to run white noise machines in all of the bedrooms to cancel out the sound. But that didn't seem to do much either. Then there seemed to be a pattern of one of the kids waking the other one up before we could stop them, so we taught Sydnie to turn on her little bedroom tv by herself when she wakes up, instead of going and bothering her brother. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't, but either way, I'm awake from hearing cartoons blare through the baby monitor. So I feel like I've exhausted all of my options. I'm tired every day, and I just want ALL of us to be well-rested and happy.

Recently, a friend told me about these clever little things that help young kids "tell time", so they know when (and when not) to get out of bed. There are quite a few options for these sleep training clocks, some more expensive than others. And some seem a little more complex to understand for my kids, or didn't get great online reviews. So after some research, I found this one: The Gro Clock. The link will take you to a UK retailer, but I've been able to find quite a few US options. I think this will really help us! I just have to wrap my head around buying TWO of them, since the kids don't share a room. But I'm sure if they work like the reviews say they do, they will be priceless.

I am so ready for our days not to start so early! I'm hopeful that there is help on the horizon though.

Two Weeks Down...

Only... well, I don't even know how many there are to go. It feels like it's been SO long since we last saw Matt, but at the same time, it's gone by SO fast. The days feel long and short. It's weird. It's so easy to think of how hard it is for me all the time... the exhaustion and just being away from my hubby. But I have to remind myself how hard it is for him to be away from the kids and me. As much as I fantasize about a hotel room all to myself, I know that I would be so lonely and sad without my babies! And I know he feels this. Missing out on the day-to-day. When the one of the kids say or do something new and hilarious, or sweet. I get to see and hear all of it! And he wishes he could. I need to remind myself of this more often.

When Matt first left, to make the adjustment less stressful, my goal was to get the kids out of the house every day. I have incredible support and help in my in-laws, who live about 10 minutes away, but they work full-time. So, on the weekdays, I have to get creative with ways to keep us busy. The play area at the mall is one of our favorite things to do. It's a really nice mall, and the playground is really clean. I sip an iced coffee, and hang with Quinn while the other two run their energy out. It lets them socialize (and me!), and gets us out without leaving the precious air conditioning (it's already 100+ degrees here! Yuck!) I also re-joined 24 Hour Fitness, which has a great kid care! We were really on track with this "stay busy" plan... and then we all got sick. It was brutal. Thank God that's over! Now that we're on the mend, it's time to implement the plan of attack again. I joined a friend's 45 day fitness challenge (totally spur-of-the-moment decision) that will hopefully kick my butt back into shape! And I am hoping to get back to cooking more. I cook EVERY night during the off season. I love to cook. But I lose all motivation and inspiration when it's just the kids and me. Because really, it's just me who would eat the dishes that I WANT to make. But I need to get better at that. So, I have a favorite in the crock pot right now. Here's a link to Crockpot Chicken. It's so good!

So, in a nutshell, we are thriving! And Matt is doing great. We had a really great talk the other day about the fact that he's feeling very at peace right now. And obviously, this makes my heart so very happy! We've had a lot of closure lately. If you know us well, then you know what I mean. But basically, we have finally closed the book on a lot of things that were holding us back, and that's allowed a huge weight to be lifted from us. Yes, we are essentially starting from the bottom with baseball right now, but it's a new beginning. And the only direction he can go is up! Truly. Haha! So, in so many different aspects of our lives, we've been given a fresh start. And this has been such a breath of fresh air. Matt said he's finally having fun again. Despite all the let-downs and heartbreaks in baseball, he's choosing to put that all behind him. And so far, his new outlook is reflecting onto the field. He has been pitching great, and feeling strong, and "free and easy". And I am just SUCH a proud wife. No matter what happens.

I have to share that I was so touched by the incredible response to my last couple of blog entries. I got handfuls of comments, private messages, and text messages, and so many of you share my feelings about so many things. It feels so comforting to know that, as a woman, I am not alone in my feelings about motherhood and personal struggles. However, it also made me a little sad. Why is so hard for so many of us to let our guards down? We force ourselves to put up such a strong front. It's essential in front of our children in a lot of ways. If we were just unraveling all the time, what example would we be for our kids? But what about in private? Or with a small group of close friends? Why is so hard to be free with our emotions and feelings?

Since I became a mom, I felt the need to have the best. Not for me, for my kids. The best baby gear, the safest car seat, the best baby shoes that would promote healthy walking, only organic foods. I beat myself up for not breastfeeding my kids for as long as the next mom. Everything needed to be perfect. Perfectly scheduled, perfectly cleaned, perfectly organized. I got (and still get) compliments on how easy I made/make it all look. How calm, and even-keeled I was/am with my kids. How well-manned my kids are. I have always been incredibly flattered by these compliments. But I laugh to myself. I think, "Oh my gosh, if they only knew what it took for me to get us all out of the house." If I could just have cameras on me while I run around the house, sweating. Frantically packing the diaper bag. Trying not to forget anything. Meanwhile the baby is crying, and my older two are fighting over train tracks, I still have to take the dogs out, and none of the bottles have been washed yet. But no one sees that part. Thank God.

If people saw all of that, would they still feel the same way about me? Or would they judge my every slip of the tongue, when I say "shit" in front of one of my kids, or how I let the dishes pile up, and the laundry sit unfolded for days. I am imperfect. And I still judge. We all do. Moms are the worst "judgers" of all. We judge so incredibly harshly. Other moms' choices and parenting styles. We judge them by their out-of-control 2 year-old at the playground, and by the choices they make about what food they buy, and how they dress, and how their kids dress. I am SO imperfect. So what gives me the right to make judgements about anyone else? God judges us enough, so I certainly should not be wasting my time. Everyone has a story. Just like no one knows what it took me to get us all out of the house, and loaded up in the car, I have no idea what those other moms' mornings were like.

At the end of the day, when I sometimes choose sleep over food, I have a chance to reflect on all of this. And I've been able to read through the wonderful, SUPPORTIVE responses to this blog. My silly little blog. One friend was shocked to read that I have insecurities. Um, yes. Don't we all? Just because I don't think I'm the epitome of perfection, doesn't mean I'm sad, or weak. And just because I'm kind of a mess sometimes, does that really mean I'm anything less than a great mom? Again, I am not perfect. In many ways. But my kids are loved. Not just loved, but treasured, and they know this. I am blessed. My life is crazy, and I usually only have time to wash my hair a couple times a week, and my kids drive me nuts, and I miss having time for friends, and I do kind of wish I had my pre-baby body back. But I really do love my life. My kids. My husband. My messy, tiny house. I just want to be honest. And I wish more people also wanted to be honest. And I wish we could all soften ourselves to each other. It's been such a breath of fresh air to share a part of myself here, and I look forward to even more opportunities!

Let's Be Honest.

I've always tried very hard, maybe too hard, to be seen as a fairly confident girl. When things hurt me or bother me, I do a pretty decent job of not letting my emotions be obvious. But I am much more sensitive than most people understand. I do not let very many people in, close to my heart. And in a lot of ways, that has backfired. Not many people know where I really stand on core issues... even where I stand when it comes to the little things.

I am not the best, the smartest, the prettiest, the fastest, the coolest, the most talented, the funniest, or the strongest. Just to name a few. And sometimes that's hard to acknowledge. I let my opinion of myself depend too much on what others think of me... or what I think they think of me. I have been known to work myself up so much because of this horribly ugly weakness, that I can make myself sick. I care FAR TOO MUCH about what others think of me. It is what I wish I could change about myself the most. 

Because I do not let many people know my heart, most people do not know anything about my personal journey during these passed couple of years. And truthfully, most people will never know the extent of WHY I've traveled the road that I have. And I'm glad for that. Because it is not a pretty journey. It is ugly, and tearful, and sad. But I am a survivor. And that's because I let Jesus into my heart, and He showed me more mercy and grace than this sinner will ever deserve. I am still developing this relationship with the lord. I work on it every day. We talk constantly, and I am so thankful for this. 

One of the biggest prayers that I have for myself is to learn to let things roll off of me like water. I'll never know why a lot of things happen or have happened. Why friends have come into my life, and then left. I'll always wish I could go back and do things differently, or say things differently in so many ways, but that is just impossible, unfortunately. I'll try to analyze every detail of things that have gone wrong. Why we've seen more success, and more disappointment in the passed 5 years than anyone should ever deal with. I'll never know why my hair sucks so hard, and takes at least an hour to tame. I'll wish I could be as pretty as her, or her, but this is my face, and this is my gnarly post-pregnancy body, and I need to just embrace it all. I'll never know why things can't be just the way I wish they were. As much as I TORTURE myself about every single thing for the rest of my life, it won't matter. Because I am not the one in control.

I suppose this turned into a more journal-like post. And I guess that's okay. I am learning so much in this life. It took me a really long time to truly open my eyes to this world. And I'm STILL learning. I will be learning for the rest of my life. I need to loosen up, and learn to let go. God knows who needs to be in my life, and He will keep those near me who He sees belong near me. And as I continue to struggle with being such a huge critic of myself, I pray that people who love me, can try to understand my complicated heart. That I am not perfect, even though I really do wish I was.

Hands Free Mama

I've wanted to write so many times lately, about so many things. But I somehow prioritize writing after a number of other things. Unimportant things, really. Things that should not take up as much time in my life as they do... but they do. And that's going to change. I've been a mess lately, I'll be the first to admit.

Matt's gone. After Spring Training, the Dodgers released him. We patiently (sort of) waited for another opportunity to present itself, and a few weeks later it finally did. He signed with an Independent team in New Jersey called the Jackals. We are hopeful, and prayerful, that it's not long before an affiliated team signs him back. But in the meantime, I am with the kids in Arizona still. And it is lonely.

And other than that, it has just been me... holding down the fort, and trying to keep my composure and sanity. And be 2 parents in one, by showing my kids all the love and attention that Matt and I would both be giving them. It's hard. I won't sugarcoat it. I am a crying, frazzled mess. I yell more than I want to. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision, and then once I make up my mind, I beat myself by convincing myself that I've made a horrible choice. I don't get enough sleep, and I'm stressed. And I just miss my hubby. And I wish I could tell the future in so many ways, and wind myself up so tight thinking about EVERYTHING, that I feel like I could explode.

On top of the craze of this everyday life I live, I also make myself crazy by trying to constantly stay up-to-date on the most recent pictures that people post on Facebook and Instagram. The constant status updates. Trying to comment on all of the one million different things that I see and read, and feel guilt (GUILT!) for not "liking" every single one. And I do this in the midst of my children, who see this terrible bad habit of mine, and think it's okay and normal.

Well, it's NOT okay OR normal. My parents may not have been perfect, but they were THERE. Physically and mentally and emotionally. We read, and played outside, and they were usually right there with us. Watching us. Never looking down to check some device. I need to be more like that.

So, this was a lot of information. And a pretty roundabout way of saying that, "I'm cutting back!" I have to make a better effort of being 100% present for my kids. When they nap, I'll read more. I'll do more crafts, and be more on top of chores, so that when they do wake up... I'll be more prepared to just be there. I'm going hands free!

Spring Has Sprung

Why do I always do this? I have to start my blog posts with an apology because I have waited so long to post. I should simply post more often, so that I do not feel the need to apologize. But since it's been about 6 months, let's get this over with. I'M SORRY!!! ;-)

Well, clearly, I popped. Our baby girl blessed us with her arrival on October 6th, 2011. And I owe you a very long and detailed birth story! I just love birth stories. But to it all justice, it'll have to wait, so that I can really compose my thoughts and write it well. But just to let you know... she is AMAZING. Fills my heart more and more every day with love and joy.

Sydnie and Parker and just as wild and rambunctious as ever. The are getting more funny and smart with each day, and I can only just marvel at the things that come out of those little mouths. Sydnie is the girliest of girls. Everything is flowers, kittens, princesses, dollies, and make believe. She loves to help me cook, and take care of her baby sister. She often says, "When I'm big, I can [fill in the blank] just like you!" It's really so sweet. But the magical age of 3 has also brought out the sass and vinegar that sometimes drives me to drink.

Parker is as rough and tumble as ever. We went through a brief phase in which it seemed that he had a new injury every week. Something was bloodied, bruised, or swollen. I'm glad that's over. He has either gained more control of his limbs, or he's just gotten tougher. Either way, I appreciate the down time. He loves anything having to do with trains, cars, baseball, dinosaurs, and Mickey Mouse. He blows me away with his little brain sometimes. He counts, knows the alphabet, sings songs without help or prompting. It's amazing.

I am, just as always, scrambling this time of year to make it all happen: find us a short term, pet friendly rental in the city that Matt will play in for the season, furnish the place, decide whether to bring our own linens and towels and kitchen supplies, or buy all new things when we get there, or rent them. I have to tie up all loose ends behind me, have our mail forwarded, make sure the kids have all necessary clothing items that are appropriate for the climate we'll be in, lug the baby gear, and pet supplies, and then decide how to fit it all into a car already full of people. Good thing we've decided to bring two cars this year! And barring any last minute surprises, we'll head to Albuquerque, NM next week! OMG.