To describe this past year in baseball as a roller coaster would be an understatement. There were highs, and there've been heartbreaking lows. I've thought to myself, and told a couple close friends that I wasn't sure how much more my spirit could take of the disappointment that Matt and I kept feeling. But a quote from my favorite minister, Joyce Meyer, kept my heart and mind pushing on.
"It's easy to quit- it takes faith to go through."
I trusted that, as long as God was providing the opportunity for Matt to keep playing, that that was what we were meant to do. And when Matt's team in New Jersey released him in June, we felt for a moment that maybe the door was closing. I sat with him in our hotel room, and cried. I cried because I knew how much his spirit was being crushed. That we'd gotten to this point. He'd experienced the highest level of success that he could attain in his profession. He played with some of baseball's elite. And he did well! And now here we were. Sitting in a Jersey hotel room, with no idea what the hell we were going to do next. But then we heard a little whisper. Actually, it was more like a holler. (Haha) My sweet friend, Ashley Hill, called me 7 times while Matt and I were out to dinner that night. She left a voicemail urging me to call her back ASAP.
Let me back up... Ashley's husband was also playing baseball in the Northeast at the time, and we realized that not only did our trips to visit overlap, but our husbands would be playing just 30 minutes from each other at one point! So, before I got to New Jersey, we'd planned to meet one day. When Matt was released, I had to tell her that I wouldn't be able to make it, and why.
So when I called her to find out what was going on, she said that her hubby's team was really in need of pitchers, and that they wanted to see Matt throw for them. We were amazed at the timing. God was working for us! I ended up getting to see Ashley during my trip, and I was SO thankful that things happened the way they did. I'm really still so overwhelmed by it all.
I left Matt in New Jersey, and flew back to Arizona. I felt peaceful that he was now where he needed to be. He would go to York, PA to play for a new team. He had a pitching coach to work with now, who he'd be able to fix up some mechanics that were messing with him. Things were going pretty well for awhile, and he was seeing lots of improvements. But a couple bad games from him forced the team to make the decision to release him. So we were back to square one.
I spent most of that first day crying. I was feeling pretty bad for myself. Feeling bad for Matt. And just feeling bad in general. I put the kids down for naps, and just crawled in bed and sobbed for a few hours. Sometimes trusting that God has my (our) best interest at heart is impossible to see. And frankly, in my eyes, His timing just sucks sometimes. I was angry that we were in this position. And my heart was broken about the possible end of baseball for us.
Baseball, for anyone who lives it/ has lived it, is a way of life. When I married Matt, I married baseball too. We had a relationship. There are not four seasons of the year for baseball families. There are two: off season, and baseball season. We lived it. Our lives revolved around it; and not because they had to, but because we loved it. It was a part of our souls. And I'm not sure if that will ever change. We do not know if this is the end of that "relationship" yet. I've told God that I'm done guessing. I'm done wondering what He's trying to tell me. From now on, if we make a move in life, it's because we've been slapped across the face with a HUGE sign from Him. So, we will see. Matt's agent has been wonderful, and suggested we just take some time to be a family. No decisions for now. We're just going to live life the way "normal people" do for awhile, and I suppose there's a bit of peace in that.
So, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. There are obviously so many people right now who need prayers more than we ever will. But just a little shout out would be cool ;-)
