I have to share that I was so touched by the incredible response to my last couple of blog entries. I got handfuls of comments, private messages, and text messages, and so many of you share my feelings about so many things. It feels so comforting to know that, as a woman, I am not alone in my feelings about motherhood and personal struggles. However, it also made me a little sad. Why is so hard for so many of us to let our guards down? We force ourselves to put up such a strong front. It's essential in front of our children in a lot of ways. If we were just unraveling all the time, what example would we be for our kids? But what about in private? Or with a small group of close friends? Why is so hard to be free with our emotions and feelings?

Since I became a mom, I felt the need to have the best. Not for me, for my kids. The best baby gear, the safest car seat, the best baby shoes that would promote healthy walking, only organic foods. I beat myself up for not breastfeeding my kids for as long as the next mom. Everything needed to be perfect. Perfectly scheduled, perfectly cleaned, perfectly organized. I got (and still get) compliments on how easy I made/make it all look. How calm, and even-keeled I was/am with my kids. How well-manned my kids are. I have always been incredibly flattered by these compliments. But I laugh to myself. I think, "Oh my gosh, if they only knew what it took for me to get us all out of the house." If I could just have cameras on me while I run around the house, sweating. Frantically packing the diaper bag. Trying not to forget anything. Meanwhile the baby is crying, and my older two are fighting over train tracks, I still have to take the dogs out, and none of the bottles have been washed yet. But no one sees that part. Thank God.

If people saw all of that, would they still feel the same way about me? Or would they judge my every slip of the tongue, when I say "shit" in front of one of my kids, or how I let the dishes pile up, and the laundry sit unfolded for days. I am imperfect. And I still judge. We all do. Moms are the worst "judgers" of all. We judge so incredibly harshly. Other moms' choices and parenting styles. We judge them by their out-of-control 2 year-old at the playground, and by the choices they make about what food they buy, and how they dress, and how their kids dress. I am SO imperfect. So what gives me the right to make judgements about anyone else? God judges us enough, so I certainly should not be wasting my time. Everyone has a story. Just like no one knows what it took me to get us all out of the house, and loaded up in the car, I have no idea what those other moms' mornings were like.

At the end of the day, when I sometimes choose sleep over food, I have a chance to reflect on all of this. And I've been able to read through the wonderful, SUPPORTIVE responses to this blog. My silly little blog. One friend was shocked to read that I have insecurities. Um, yes. Don't we all? Just because I don't think I'm the epitome of perfection, doesn't mean I'm sad, or weak. And just because I'm kind of a mess sometimes, does that really mean I'm anything less than a great mom? Again, I am not perfect. In many ways. But my kids are loved. Not just loved, but treasured, and they know this. I am blessed. My life is crazy, and I usually only have time to wash my hair a couple times a week, and my kids drive me nuts, and I miss having time for friends, and I do kind of wish I had my pre-baby body back. But I really do love my life. My kids. My husband. My messy, tiny house. I just want to be honest. And I wish more people also wanted to be honest. And I wish we could all soften ourselves to each other. It's been such a breath of fresh air to share a part of myself here, and I look forward to even more opportunities!

Let's Be Honest.

I've always tried very hard, maybe too hard, to be seen as a fairly confident girl. When things hurt me or bother me, I do a pretty decent job of not letting my emotions be obvious. But I am much more sensitive than most people understand. I do not let very many people in, close to my heart. And in a lot of ways, that has backfired. Not many people know where I really stand on core issues... even where I stand when it comes to the little things.

I am not the best, the smartest, the prettiest, the fastest, the coolest, the most talented, the funniest, or the strongest. Just to name a few. And sometimes that's hard to acknowledge. I let my opinion of myself depend too much on what others think of me... or what I think they think of me. I have been known to work myself up so much because of this horribly ugly weakness, that I can make myself sick. I care FAR TOO MUCH about what others think of me. It is what I wish I could change about myself the most. 

Because I do not let many people know my heart, most people do not know anything about my personal journey during these passed couple of years. And truthfully, most people will never know the extent of WHY I've traveled the road that I have. And I'm glad for that. Because it is not a pretty journey. It is ugly, and tearful, and sad. But I am a survivor. And that's because I let Jesus into my heart, and He showed me more mercy and grace than this sinner will ever deserve. I am still developing this relationship with the lord. I work on it every day. We talk constantly, and I am so thankful for this. 

One of the biggest prayers that I have for myself is to learn to let things roll off of me like water. I'll never know why a lot of things happen or have happened. Why friends have come into my life, and then left. I'll always wish I could go back and do things differently, or say things differently in so many ways, but that is just impossible, unfortunately. I'll try to analyze every detail of things that have gone wrong. Why we've seen more success, and more disappointment in the passed 5 years than anyone should ever deal with. I'll never know why my hair sucks so hard, and takes at least an hour to tame. I'll wish I could be as pretty as her, or her, but this is my face, and this is my gnarly post-pregnancy body, and I need to just embrace it all. I'll never know why things can't be just the way I wish they were. As much as I TORTURE myself about every single thing for the rest of my life, it won't matter. Because I am not the one in control.

I suppose this turned into a more journal-like post. And I guess that's okay. I am learning so much in this life. It took me a really long time to truly open my eyes to this world. And I'm STILL learning. I will be learning for the rest of my life. I need to loosen up, and learn to let go. God knows who needs to be in my life, and He will keep those near me who He sees belong near me. And as I continue to struggle with being such a huge critic of myself, I pray that people who love me, can try to understand my complicated heart. That I am not perfect, even though I really do wish I was.

Hands Free Mama

I've wanted to write so many times lately, about so many things. But I somehow prioritize writing after a number of other things. Unimportant things, really. Things that should not take up as much time in my life as they do... but they do. And that's going to change. I've been a mess lately, I'll be the first to admit.

Matt's gone. After Spring Training, the Dodgers released him. We patiently (sort of) waited for another opportunity to present itself, and a few weeks later it finally did. He signed with an Independent team in New Jersey called the Jackals. We are hopeful, and prayerful, that it's not long before an affiliated team signs him back. But in the meantime, I am with the kids in Arizona still. And it is lonely.

And other than that, it has just been me... holding down the fort, and trying to keep my composure and sanity. And be 2 parents in one, by showing my kids all the love and attention that Matt and I would both be giving them. It's hard. I won't sugarcoat it. I am a crying, frazzled mess. I yell more than I want to. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision, and then once I make up my mind, I beat myself by convincing myself that I've made a horrible choice. I don't get enough sleep, and I'm stressed. And I just miss my hubby. And I wish I could tell the future in so many ways, and wind myself up so tight thinking about EVERYTHING, that I feel like I could explode.

On top of the craze of this everyday life I live, I also make myself crazy by trying to constantly stay up-to-date on the most recent pictures that people post on Facebook and Instagram. The constant status updates. Trying to comment on all of the one million different things that I see and read, and feel guilt (GUILT!) for not "liking" every single one. And I do this in the midst of my children, who see this terrible bad habit of mine, and think it's okay and normal.

Well, it's NOT okay OR normal. My parents may not have been perfect, but they were THERE. Physically and mentally and emotionally. We read, and played outside, and they were usually right there with us. Watching us. Never looking down to check some device. I need to be more like that.

So, this was a lot of information. And a pretty roundabout way of saying that, "I'm cutting back!" I have to make a better effort of being 100% present for my kids. When they nap, I'll read more. I'll do more crafts, and be more on top of chores, so that when they do wake up... I'll be more prepared to just be there. I'm going hands free!

Spring Has Sprung

Why do I always do this? I have to start my blog posts with an apology because I have waited so long to post. I should simply post more often, so that I do not feel the need to apologize. But since it's been about 6 months, let's get this over with. I'M SORRY!!! ;-)

Well, clearly, I popped. Our baby girl blessed us with her arrival on October 6th, 2011. And I owe you a very long and detailed birth story! I just love birth stories. But to it all justice, it'll have to wait, so that I can really compose my thoughts and write it well. But just to let you know... she is AMAZING. Fills my heart more and more every day with love and joy.

Sydnie and Parker and just as wild and rambunctious as ever. The are getting more funny and smart with each day, and I can only just marvel at the things that come out of those little mouths. Sydnie is the girliest of girls. Everything is flowers, kittens, princesses, dollies, and make believe. She loves to help me cook, and take care of her baby sister. She often says, "When I'm big, I can [fill in the blank] just like you!" It's really so sweet. But the magical age of 3 has also brought out the sass and vinegar that sometimes drives me to drink.

Parker is as rough and tumble as ever. We went through a brief phase in which it seemed that he had a new injury every week. Something was bloodied, bruised, or swollen. I'm glad that's over. He has either gained more control of his limbs, or he's just gotten tougher. Either way, I appreciate the down time. He loves anything having to do with trains, cars, baseball, dinosaurs, and Mickey Mouse. He blows me away with his little brain sometimes. He counts, knows the alphabet, sings songs without help or prompting. It's amazing.

I am, just as always, scrambling this time of year to make it all happen: find us a short term, pet friendly rental in the city that Matt will play in for the season, furnish the place, decide whether to bring our own linens and towels and kitchen supplies, or buy all new things when we get there, or rent them. I have to tie up all loose ends behind me, have our mail forwarded, make sure the kids have all necessary clothing items that are appropriate for the climate we'll be in, lug the baby gear, and pet supplies, and then decide how to fit it all into a car already full of people. Good thing we've decided to bring two cars this year! And barring any last minute surprises, we'll head to Albuquerque, NM next week! OMG.

Getting there!

I'm getting closer and closer to my due date, and I just can't believe how surreal it all still feels. I've told a few people that no matter how many times I've done this, it just doesn't get any less incredible. Labor and delivery can be different with each pregnancy, so as much as I know what to expect... I don't! Maybe my water will break this time. Maybe my contractions will take it easy on me this time, and I won't realize I'm in labor until I'm actively progressing. Maybe I'll go over my due date (oh gosh, I hope not!) And of course, I've had two children, and know what they looked like when they were first placed on my chest. I'll remember those moments so vividly until my dying day. But they were both so different looking to me... what will this little person look like? Will she scream as loud as her brother did? Will she have a full head of hair like both her siblings did? Will she be a big baby, or a little bitty one? It's almost overwhelming to think about all the possibilities. All I know is that I love this girl so very much already, our sweet gift from God, and I know that my heart will want to explode when I finally see her face-to-face.

I'm anxious for my body to progress the way that it didn't know how to do (without some help) previously. So far, so good. Last Wednesday I was 2 cm dilated and 75% effaced. I never dilated past 1 cm with Sydnie and Parker until I was actually in labor, so I'm PRAYING that making this progress so far helps my cause later on. My next appointment is on Wednesday the 28th, and in the meantime, I'm doing everything I can to move things along naturally. I finished a whole, fresh pineapple this morning (started it yesterday afternoon), I've been taking Evening Primrose Oil and Red Raspberry Leaf capsules since I was 34 weeks, I've been walking, bouncing on my yoga ball, and... Matt's helping a little bit too ;-) You know what they say, "What got you into this can get you out of this!"

'Nuff said. ;-)

I would LOVE to have a September baby. I think it would be nice for each kid to have their own birth month. But the days of September are quickly running out! We will see, I guess. I want my Quinny to be fully cooked and ready to come out. But for the record, this mama is READY!

It's been so long since I last posted, and SO much has happened since then. It would be too difficult to sun it all up without a few chapters, so I'll bullet point the important stuff.

• We're having a baby GIRL!!!! My actual due date is only 4 weeks away. 29 days to be exact (but who's counting?) I doubt I'll make it that far. As anxious as I am to meet this little person, and have my belly back to myself, I am savoring these last days with her inside of me. She's quiet, easy to take care of, and for the most part, lets me sleep. And I have really, actually, enjoyed this pregnancy fully. I think the realization that this will be my last has had me appreciate it so much more. (Not that I didn't appreciate it before. I was always just so anxious to be done). I've embraced the changes I see in my body, and realize that the scale can tell me whatever it wants... I will lose the baby weight. I always do. My baby is growing healthy inside of me, and if that means I have to gain 35+ pounds, then so be it. This is how MY body does pregnancy. And her sweet kicks and punches are just incredibly precious. I'll miss it.
• Matt came home at the end of July. Disappointing and saddening... and maddening season to say the least. Those who know us well know the story. There's really no reason to rehash it all. He'll play Winter Ball this December in the Domincan Republic. I'm trying not to think about how challenging and sad it will be to have him away for 6 weeks during that time of the year. Definitely trying to focus on the positive that can/WILL come of his efforts. I believe in him SO MUCH.
• Sydnie and Parker are amazing. Just growing and changing, and developing the most adorable and funny personalities. As tired as I am these days, it is such a joy to watch them learn and play... and learn and play together... and fight together too. But what are siblings for? :-)
• We are mostly all moved into our little condo/townhouse in Tempe, AZ. We love it here. It's small(er) for us, but it's all we need. It's quiet, and cute, and we're happy. We're learning to deal with the heat as the summer wraps itself up. And we're in love with the scenery, and the area we're in. We look forward to starting our search for the area where we'll permanently settle down, but for now, we're staying put. It's fun to dream/talk about what we want in our next house, and where it will be. We'll see!!

So that's about it! Lots to come in the next few weeks. We can't wait to meet our Quinny Girl!

Phew!

So, I owe you lots of explanation. We are, in fact, in Syracuse, NY. Syracuse, where it is cold and dreary, and there's little green to be seen as far as I can see. It's still Winter here, really. Quite a change from our sunny and bright, 85 degree weather in Florida. But the kids and I are having fun wearing our "Boops and chackets" for a change. But we're getting a little case of cabin fever. It's not that cold, but it's not warm enough to spend hours at the park, swinging on swings. So we sit. We color, and watch movies, and read books, and I just bought our first official batch of Play-Doh (Lord, help me). And we'll start going to My Gym next week. Oh, and there's been a little baseball. We finally made it to our first game of the season on Thursday (the team was on the road for the first week, and the home opener on Wednesday was rained out). It was fun to see some familiar faces, and a couple new faces as well. And I'm, of course, missing some faces from seasons past, but alas, thus is the life. Saying goodbye to some, while you gain some new.

Now let me back up. We were sent to Harrisburg, yes. But three days after "the demotion", a little angel reached out to Matt. Without getting into too much detail, this angel believes in Matt so much, that he stuck his neck out for him, and got Matt back to AAA. Matt isn't starting the year as a starting pitcher, but will be in the bullpen for the unforeseeable future. But we're okay with it. It's been an adjustment to say the least, getting started for him. It is, after all, a completely new way of thinking for a man who has always looked at the game one way. But I truly believe that he will not only "get it", but will embrace it fully, and excel. I pray for this for him.

So we are here. We were able to get our awesome apartment back, just in the nick of time. We got furniture rented, and cancelled my last minute plans in Harrisburg. And everything worked out just fine. It always does.

Moving out of the house was an adventure. Thank God for Garrett Mock (our good friend who has been playing with Matt for years. They were traded to the Nationals from the Diamondbacks together, and he and his wife have been wonderful friends to us through the years. Garrett is actually living with us in our second bedroom at the apartment too) who truly got us through our moving debacle gracefully, and humorously. Almost everything we own is inside of 3, 16 foot PODs that are sitting at a PODs facility in Melbourne, FL. And as soon as we are ready for them, they'll be driven out to Arizona. Our house still hasn't sold, but we are trying to stay positive and patient.

I am looking more and more pregnant by the day, but am still in the "awkward stage", where strangers aren't sure if I'm just a little chubby around the middle, or pregnant. There's definitely a baby in there though. It still hits me at different times that this is actually for real. We are actually having another baby. It's kind of surreal still. While there is little time to just sit quietly, and feel my tiny baby move inside of me, I have managed to feel a few of those first flips and bubbles. It never gets old. How could it? It's always been a miraculous thing to me. To be nourishing this tiny creature, as it grows, and moves, and swallows, and grimaces (probably at the shrieks and loud noises it's siblings produce all. day. long.). And even after this chapter in my life's book closes- when I am beyond my child-bearing years, I will still be amazed by the little lives that God chose to bless me with. And seeing a pregnant belly on one of my friends will still leave me in awe, and probably make me ache a little bit. This baby, our big little surprise, is such a blessing!

And we'll know what "it" is SOON! On the 27th, we'll drive over an hour to see our little fetus in 3d, and will (assuming Baby cooperates) find out whether I can shop for blue or pink!! I'm SO excited.

Matt and I think there's a girl in there, but will welcome either whole-heartedly! I'll be counting the days ;-)