Hands Free Mama

I've wanted to write so many times lately, about so many things. But I somehow prioritize writing after a number of other things. Unimportant things, really. Things that should not take up as much time in my life as they do... but they do. And that's going to change. I've been a mess lately, I'll be the first to admit.

Matt's gone. After Spring Training, the Dodgers released him. We patiently (sort of) waited for another opportunity to present itself, and a few weeks later it finally did. He signed with an Independent team in New Jersey called the Jackals. We are hopeful, and prayerful, that it's not long before an affiliated team signs him back. But in the meantime, I am with the kids in Arizona still. And it is lonely.

And other than that, it has just been me... holding down the fort, and trying to keep my composure and sanity. And be 2 parents in one, by showing my kids all the love and attention that Matt and I would both be giving them. It's hard. I won't sugarcoat it. I am a crying, frazzled mess. I yell more than I want to. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision, and then once I make up my mind, I beat myself by convincing myself that I've made a horrible choice. I don't get enough sleep, and I'm stressed. And I just miss my hubby. And I wish I could tell the future in so many ways, and wind myself up so tight thinking about EVERYTHING, that I feel like I could explode.

On top of the craze of this everyday life I live, I also make myself crazy by trying to constantly stay up-to-date on the most recent pictures that people post on Facebook and Instagram. The constant status updates. Trying to comment on all of the one million different things that I see and read, and feel guilt (GUILT!) for not "liking" every single one. And I do this in the midst of my children, who see this terrible bad habit of mine, and think it's okay and normal.

Well, it's NOT okay OR normal. My parents may not have been perfect, but they were THERE. Physically and mentally and emotionally. We read, and played outside, and they were usually right there with us. Watching us. Never looking down to check some device. I need to be more like that.

So, this was a lot of information. And a pretty roundabout way of saying that, "I'm cutting back!" I have to make a better effort of being 100% present for my kids. When they nap, I'll read more. I'll do more crafts, and be more on top of chores, so that when they do wake up... I'll be more prepared to just be there. I'm going hands free!

Spring Has Sprung

Why do I always do this? I have to start my blog posts with an apology because I have waited so long to post. I should simply post more often, so that I do not feel the need to apologize. But since it's been about 6 months, let's get this over with. I'M SORRY!!! ;-)

Well, clearly, I popped. Our baby girl blessed us with her arrival on October 6th, 2011. And I owe you a very long and detailed birth story! I just love birth stories. But to it all justice, it'll have to wait, so that I can really compose my thoughts and write it well. But just to let you know... she is AMAZING. Fills my heart more and more every day with love and joy.

Sydnie and Parker and just as wild and rambunctious as ever. The are getting more funny and smart with each day, and I can only just marvel at the things that come out of those little mouths. Sydnie is the girliest of girls. Everything is flowers, kittens, princesses, dollies, and make believe. She loves to help me cook, and take care of her baby sister. She often says, "When I'm big, I can [fill in the blank] just like you!" It's really so sweet. But the magical age of 3 has also brought out the sass and vinegar that sometimes drives me to drink.

Parker is as rough and tumble as ever. We went through a brief phase in which it seemed that he had a new injury every week. Something was bloodied, bruised, or swollen. I'm glad that's over. He has either gained more control of his limbs, or he's just gotten tougher. Either way, I appreciate the down time. He loves anything having to do with trains, cars, baseball, dinosaurs, and Mickey Mouse. He blows me away with his little brain sometimes. He counts, knows the alphabet, sings songs without help or prompting. It's amazing.

I am, just as always, scrambling this time of year to make it all happen: find us a short term, pet friendly rental in the city that Matt will play in for the season, furnish the place, decide whether to bring our own linens and towels and kitchen supplies, or buy all new things when we get there, or rent them. I have to tie up all loose ends behind me, have our mail forwarded, make sure the kids have all necessary clothing items that are appropriate for the climate we'll be in, lug the baby gear, and pet supplies, and then decide how to fit it all into a car already full of people. Good thing we've decided to bring two cars this year! And barring any last minute surprises, we'll head to Albuquerque, NM next week! OMG.

Getting there!

I'm getting closer and closer to my due date, and I just can't believe how surreal it all still feels. I've told a few people that no matter how many times I've done this, it just doesn't get any less incredible. Labor and delivery can be different with each pregnancy, so as much as I know what to expect... I don't! Maybe my water will break this time. Maybe my contractions will take it easy on me this time, and I won't realize I'm in labor until I'm actively progressing. Maybe I'll go over my due date (oh gosh, I hope not!) And of course, I've had two children, and know what they looked like when they were first placed on my chest. I'll remember those moments so vividly until my dying day. But they were both so different looking to me... what will this little person look like? Will she scream as loud as her brother did? Will she have a full head of hair like both her siblings did? Will she be a big baby, or a little bitty one? It's almost overwhelming to think about all the possibilities. All I know is that I love this girl so very much already, our sweet gift from God, and I know that my heart will want to explode when I finally see her face-to-face.

I'm anxious for my body to progress the way that it didn't know how to do (without some help) previously. So far, so good. Last Wednesday I was 2 cm dilated and 75% effaced. I never dilated past 1 cm with Sydnie and Parker until I was actually in labor, so I'm PRAYING that making this progress so far helps my cause later on. My next appointment is on Wednesday the 28th, and in the meantime, I'm doing everything I can to move things along naturally. I finished a whole, fresh pineapple this morning (started it yesterday afternoon), I've been taking Evening Primrose Oil and Red Raspberry Leaf capsules since I was 34 weeks, I've been walking, bouncing on my yoga ball, and... Matt's helping a little bit too ;-) You know what they say, "What got you into this can get you out of this!"

'Nuff said. ;-)

I would LOVE to have a September baby. I think it would be nice for each kid to have their own birth month. But the days of September are quickly running out! We will see, I guess. I want my Quinny to be fully cooked and ready to come out. But for the record, this mama is READY!

It's been so long since I last posted, and SO much has happened since then. It would be too difficult to sun it all up without a few chapters, so I'll bullet point the important stuff.

• We're having a baby GIRL!!!! My actual due date is only 4 weeks away. 29 days to be exact (but who's counting?) I doubt I'll make it that far. As anxious as I am to meet this little person, and have my belly back to myself, I am savoring these last days with her inside of me. She's quiet, easy to take care of, and for the most part, lets me sleep. And I have really, actually, enjoyed this pregnancy fully. I think the realization that this will be my last has had me appreciate it so much more. (Not that I didn't appreciate it before. I was always just so anxious to be done). I've embraced the changes I see in my body, and realize that the scale can tell me whatever it wants... I will lose the baby weight. I always do. My baby is growing healthy inside of me, and if that means I have to gain 35+ pounds, then so be it. This is how MY body does pregnancy. And her sweet kicks and punches are just incredibly precious. I'll miss it.
• Matt came home at the end of July. Disappointing and saddening... and maddening season to say the least. Those who know us well know the story. There's really no reason to rehash it all. He'll play Winter Ball this December in the Domincan Republic. I'm trying not to think about how challenging and sad it will be to have him away for 6 weeks during that time of the year. Definitely trying to focus on the positive that can/WILL come of his efforts. I believe in him SO MUCH.
• Sydnie and Parker are amazing. Just growing and changing, and developing the most adorable and funny personalities. As tired as I am these days, it is such a joy to watch them learn and play... and learn and play together... and fight together too. But what are siblings for? :-)
• We are mostly all moved into our little condo/townhouse in Tempe, AZ. We love it here. It's small(er) for us, but it's all we need. It's quiet, and cute, and we're happy. We're learning to deal with the heat as the summer wraps itself up. And we're in love with the scenery, and the area we're in. We look forward to starting our search for the area where we'll permanently settle down, but for now, we're staying put. It's fun to dream/talk about what we want in our next house, and where it will be. We'll see!!

So that's about it! Lots to come in the next few weeks. We can't wait to meet our Quinny Girl!

Phew!

So, I owe you lots of explanation. We are, in fact, in Syracuse, NY. Syracuse, where it is cold and dreary, and there's little green to be seen as far as I can see. It's still Winter here, really. Quite a change from our sunny and bright, 85 degree weather in Florida. But the kids and I are having fun wearing our "Boops and chackets" for a change. But we're getting a little case of cabin fever. It's not that cold, but it's not warm enough to spend hours at the park, swinging on swings. So we sit. We color, and watch movies, and read books, and I just bought our first official batch of Play-Doh (Lord, help me). And we'll start going to My Gym next week. Oh, and there's been a little baseball. We finally made it to our first game of the season on Thursday (the team was on the road for the first week, and the home opener on Wednesday was rained out). It was fun to see some familiar faces, and a couple new faces as well. And I'm, of course, missing some faces from seasons past, but alas, thus is the life. Saying goodbye to some, while you gain some new.

Now let me back up. We were sent to Harrisburg, yes. But three days after "the demotion", a little angel reached out to Matt. Without getting into too much detail, this angel believes in Matt so much, that he stuck his neck out for him, and got Matt back to AAA. Matt isn't starting the year as a starting pitcher, but will be in the bullpen for the unforeseeable future. But we're okay with it. It's been an adjustment to say the least, getting started for him. It is, after all, a completely new way of thinking for a man who has always looked at the game one way. But I truly believe that he will not only "get it", but will embrace it fully, and excel. I pray for this for him.

So we are here. We were able to get our awesome apartment back, just in the nick of time. We got furniture rented, and cancelled my last minute plans in Harrisburg. And everything worked out just fine. It always does.

Moving out of the house was an adventure. Thank God for Garrett Mock (our good friend who has been playing with Matt for years. They were traded to the Nationals from the Diamondbacks together, and he and his wife have been wonderful friends to us through the years. Garrett is actually living with us in our second bedroom at the apartment too) who truly got us through our moving debacle gracefully, and humorously. Almost everything we own is inside of 3, 16 foot PODs that are sitting at a PODs facility in Melbourne, FL. And as soon as we are ready for them, they'll be driven out to Arizona. Our house still hasn't sold, but we are trying to stay positive and patient.

I am looking more and more pregnant by the day, but am still in the "awkward stage", where strangers aren't sure if I'm just a little chubby around the middle, or pregnant. There's definitely a baby in there though. It still hits me at different times that this is actually for real. We are actually having another baby. It's kind of surreal still. While there is little time to just sit quietly, and feel my tiny baby move inside of me, I have managed to feel a few of those first flips and bubbles. It never gets old. How could it? It's always been a miraculous thing to me. To be nourishing this tiny creature, as it grows, and moves, and swallows, and grimaces (probably at the shrieks and loud noises it's siblings produce all. day. long.). And even after this chapter in my life's book closes- when I am beyond my child-bearing years, I will still be amazed by the little lives that God chose to bless me with. And seeing a pregnant belly on one of my friends will still leave me in awe, and probably make me ache a little bit. This baby, our big little surprise, is such a blessing!

And we'll know what "it" is SOON! On the 27th, we'll drive over an hour to see our little fetus in 3d, and will (assuming Baby cooperates) find out whether I can shop for blue or pink!! I'm SO excited.

Matt and I think there's a girl in there, but will welcome either whole-heartedly! I'll be counting the days ;-)

What a day. What. A. Day.

Some days, baseball is such a fun part of our lives. And some days, it feels like baseball is ruining our lives. Today was the latter. We learned that we won't be in Syracuse to start the season afterall, we'll be in Harrisburg again. Feels like a cruel joke, and a totally unwelcomed repeat of last year. I know that things came around last season, and Matt persevered through lots of challenges, and I was SO proud of him. I'm still proud of him! I know that everything will be okay when we come out on the other side of this, and I know that God's hand is in all of this, so I'm trying to remain positive and strong. But it's hard not to say, "This isn't fair." But I guess life just isn't sometimes.

I forget sometimes that a lot of people have no idea what our lives are like. I mean the real daily life as a family in baseball (or any professional sport for that matter). It's fun, but it's really no picnic. Let me just explain. I woke up this morning, bright and early, as is normal for this time of year. Matt and I got the kids ready (still in jammies) to head out the door. We dropped him off at the field just after 7:30 a.m., and went straight to Target where I planned to get some last minute housewares for our awesome apartment in Syracuse that I was really excited about. I found some great deals on plastic dishes, serving utensils, a couple plastic tubs for packing, and a Disney princess toddler air mattress. I got us checked out, and was just about to start loading the car when I noticed I had a missed call from Matt. I called him back as I was wheeling our big, two seater shopping cart the last few steps to the car, and started telling him all about my finds. He paused, and said, "Well..." And I just knew. I said, "Oh no, what happened?" And he said, "We're going back to Harrisburg." UGH. The wind got sucked right out of my sails. I held it together while we finished on the phone, finished loading the car, getting the kids strapped in, and after I wheeled the cart to the cart return, I slammed it to the end. Furious. Frustrated. Sad. How is this fair?! The tears started flowing while we drove back to the house. I unloaded everything, got the kids situated, and set up camp in front of the computer. I had to cancel EVERYTHING. All of my DAYS of research and plans. Where to live that was safe for our family, near shops and activities, a place that was pet friendly, would offer a short term lease, furnishings. Oh, no furnishings? Okay, I'll make arrangements with a rental company. Sign another lease. Etc, etc. Nope, cancel it all. Start over from scratch, this time for an entirely different city, in a state that we only thought we'd have to drive through on our way to where we were going. Not anymore.

I'm trying to look on the bright side. I really am. I count my blessings. OUR blessings. Everyday.

And I know that good things will come of this. I have to believe it at least. Positive thinking, right?

We'll get through it.

Big News!

Well, it took me two days longer to report back than I had planned, but I am excited to say that...

We are having another baby!!!

The news came as a surprise for us at first. A BIG surprise, but we are feeling so very blessed by this little one. I had an ultrasound yesterday, and saw that sweet baby dancing, and flipping, and stretching, and waving its little hands around. I was truly moved to tears. Knowing that the Lord is trusting me with another of His sweet angels is very humbling. And knowing that this little creature could not survivie without me right now is an amazing thought. My body is protecting it, and nourishing it until it's ready to be with us one day. I'm just in awe of the whole process, even with it being my third experience. I could think about it, and talk about it All.Day.Long!

Life continues to keep us busy, and it is pretty amazing how fast my 1st trimester has gone by already! (Well, technically there is another full week before I'm in that glorious 2nd trimester, but close enough, right?!) We have our POD containers being delivered on Monday morning, that we will load up with our entire lives, and have them sent to a PODs storage facility here in Melbourne. Then, when we're ready, we'll have the containers put onto a truck, and driven out to us in Arizona! In the meantime, we continue to pack like crazy! I'm almost thankful that we haven't had a house showing request in the last few days, because I feel like our house has been turned upsidedown lately! And a little good news, although none to get TOO excited about yet: we are waiting to get our first official offer on the house today! Apparently, the buyer just needs to sign the official offer, and then we will start the process. BUT our Realtor, Rhonda, has told us that she doesn't think it's going to be an offer we like. We're trying to think positively though, and the fact that the potential buyer is even making the effort to write up an offer means that they are technically serious, but is probably trying to get a feel for our level of "desperation". I'll post an update as soon as I have one!