I've prompted myself to write for some time now. But these Summer days have felt like Groundhog Day, so other than the mundane day-to-day happenings, I'm not sure what I would've REALLY written. Until now.

To describe this past year in baseball as a roller coaster would be an understatement. There were highs, and there've been heartbreaking lows. I've thought to myself, and told a couple close friends that I wasn't sure how much more my spirit could take of the disappointment that Matt and I kept feeling. But a quote from my favorite minister, Joyce Meyer, kept my heart and mind pushing on.

"It's easy to quit- it takes faith to go through."

I trusted that, as long as God was providing the opportunity for Matt to keep playing, that that was what we were meant to do. And when Matt's team in New Jersey released him in June, we felt for a moment that maybe the door was closing. I sat with him in our hotel room, and cried. I cried because I knew how much his spirit was being crushed. That we'd gotten to this point. He'd experienced the highest level of success that he could attain in his profession. He played with some of baseball's elite. And he did well! And now here we were. Sitting in a Jersey hotel room, with no idea what the hell we were going to do next. But then we heard a little whisper. Actually, it was more like a holler. (Haha) My sweet friend, Ashley Hill, called me 7 times while Matt and I were out to dinner that night. She left a voicemail urging me to call her back ASAP. 

Let me back up... Ashley's husband was also playing baseball in the Northeast at the time, and we realized that not only did our trips to visit overlap, but our husbands would be playing just 30 minutes from each other at one point! So, before I got to New Jersey, we'd planned to meet one day. When Matt was released, I had to tell her that I wouldn't be able to make it, and why. 

So when I called her to find out what was going on, she said that her hubby's team was really in need of pitchers, and that they wanted to see Matt throw for them. We were amazed at the timing. God was working for us! I ended up getting to see Ashley during my trip, and I was SO thankful that things happened the way they did. I'm really still so overwhelmed by it all.

I left Matt in New Jersey, and flew back to Arizona. I felt peaceful that he was now where he needed to be. He would go to York, PA to play for a new team. He had a pitching coach to work with now, who he'd be able to fix up some mechanics that were messing with him. Things were going pretty well for awhile, and he was seeing lots of improvements. But a couple bad games from him forced the team to make the decision to release him. So we were back to square one.

I spent most of that first day crying. I was feeling pretty bad for myself. Feeling bad for Matt. And just feeling bad in general. I put the kids down for naps, and just crawled in bed and sobbed for a few hours. Sometimes trusting that God has my (our) best interest at heart is impossible to see. And frankly, in my eyes, His timing just sucks sometimes. I was angry that we were in this position. And my heart was broken about the possible end of baseball for us. 

Baseball, for anyone who lives it/ has lived it, is a way of life. When I married Matt, I married baseball too. We had a relationship. There are not four seasons of the year for baseball families. There are two: off season, and baseball season. We lived it. Our lives revolved around it; and not because they had to, but because we loved it. It was a part of our souls. And I'm not sure if that will ever change. We do not know if this is the end of that "relationship" yet. I've told God that I'm done guessing. I'm done wondering what He's trying to tell me. From now on, if we make a move in life, it's because we've been slapped across the face with a HUGE sign from Him. So, we will see. Matt's agent has been wonderful, and suggested we just take some time to be a family. No decisions for now. We're just going to live life the way "normal people" do for awhile, and I suppose there's a bit of peace in that. 

So, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. There are obviously so many people right now who need prayers more than we ever will. But just a little shout out would be cool ;-)

Happenings

Such a busy month this has been. Well, really not "busy" by normal standards. But "busy" in that I am just trying to stay sane and survive! I have been SO tired by the end of the day lately, that I have skipped dessert most nights. Anyone who knows me knows how insane THAT sounds. I know, I know. Huge. But that, and the Arizona heat, and just running around after these kids all day have all helped me drop a few more leftover post-Quinn pounds. For the record, I have only 4 to go until I'm back to my pre-kids weight! WOO! I still have lots of work to do getting it all toned back up, but one step at a time, huh?

The kids are doing great, but are probably a little bored during the week most of the time. I try to get us out of the house once a day, but it usually ends up being more like every other day. Today we went to SEA LIFE Arizona, and had a great time! I love finding good, stimulating, INDOOR activities like that. We'll definitely go back! They are learning so much, and I'm sometimes blown away by the things they know and say. Sydnie asked me about America tonight, and if we could go there. So, we pulled up a map, and had a little preschool style geography session. She is also really grasping letters and letter sounds lately, and she LOVES to show me things she learns with her alphabet computer. Parker is never far behind. I've always said he learned to talk before he even walked. He's really a smart little guy! And with a big sister who loves to learn, he'll do just fine! We're starting to narrow down our year-long preschool search, and plan to start them both this Fall. We talk about school all the time! They can't wait.

Quinn turned 8 months-old yesterday! Which reminds me that I'm late posting her monthly update picture on Facebook! She is such a funny, energetic little thing. She's never been a great napper, but has recently started sleeping ALL the way through the night. I'm talking 12-14 hours per night. It's GLORIOUS.

I'm starting to prep for a trip to New Jersey to visit Matt this weekend. His birthday is on Sunday, and my sweet in-laws suggested I go visit while they watch the kids! I am blown away by them! I've procrastinated getting things organized for my time away, but I'm pretty seasoned at packing under pressure. I think I'm mostly still in denial that I'm actually going to be traveling alone.

On that note, I should get a list started ;-)

My kids are early risers. I don't mind getting up relatively early. I actually am a morning person. But when I put everyone down to bed at nearly 9 o'clock at night, I expect them to sleep until 7 or 8 a.m. I just believe that this is adequate sleep time for very young children. But no matter what I've tried, 6:30 seems to be my wakeup call, and that's just not OK. Matt and I spent a small fortune on expensive blackout curtains, thinking that their rooms were too bright in the mornings (Parker even has East-facing windows). But the curtains seem to make a difference. We live in a small, gated, town home community, so we wondered if noise from neighbors driving through the development to go to work in the mornings was waking the kids up. So we decided to run white noise machines in all of the bedrooms to cancel out the sound. But that didn't seem to do much either. Then there seemed to be a pattern of one of the kids waking the other one up before we could stop them, so we taught Sydnie to turn on her little bedroom tv by herself when she wakes up, instead of going and bothering her brother. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't, but either way, I'm awake from hearing cartoons blare through the baby monitor. So I feel like I've exhausted all of my options. I'm tired every day, and I just want ALL of us to be well-rested and happy.

Recently, a friend told me about these clever little things that help young kids "tell time", so they know when (and when not) to get out of bed. There are quite a few options for these sleep training clocks, some more expensive than others. And some seem a little more complex to understand for my kids, or didn't get great online reviews. So after some research, I found this one: The Gro Clock. The link will take you to a UK retailer, but I've been able to find quite a few US options. I think this will really help us! I just have to wrap my head around buying TWO of them, since the kids don't share a room. But I'm sure if they work like the reviews say they do, they will be priceless.

I am so ready for our days not to start so early! I'm hopeful that there is help on the horizon though.

Two Weeks Down...

Only... well, I don't even know how many there are to go. It feels like it's been SO long since we last saw Matt, but at the same time, it's gone by SO fast. The days feel long and short. It's weird. It's so easy to think of how hard it is for me all the time... the exhaustion and just being away from my hubby. But I have to remind myself how hard it is for him to be away from the kids and me. As much as I fantasize about a hotel room all to myself, I know that I would be so lonely and sad without my babies! And I know he feels this. Missing out on the day-to-day. When the one of the kids say or do something new and hilarious, or sweet. I get to see and hear all of it! And he wishes he could. I need to remind myself of this more often.

When Matt first left, to make the adjustment less stressful, my goal was to get the kids out of the house every day. I have incredible support and help in my in-laws, who live about 10 minutes away, but they work full-time. So, on the weekdays, I have to get creative with ways to keep us busy. The play area at the mall is one of our favorite things to do. It's a really nice mall, and the playground is really clean. I sip an iced coffee, and hang with Quinn while the other two run their energy out. It lets them socialize (and me!), and gets us out without leaving the precious air conditioning (it's already 100+ degrees here! Yuck!) I also re-joined 24 Hour Fitness, which has a great kid care! We were really on track with this "stay busy" plan... and then we all got sick. It was brutal. Thank God that's over! Now that we're on the mend, it's time to implement the plan of attack again. I joined a friend's 45 day fitness challenge (totally spur-of-the-moment decision) that will hopefully kick my butt back into shape! And I am hoping to get back to cooking more. I cook EVERY night during the off season. I love to cook. But I lose all motivation and inspiration when it's just the kids and me. Because really, it's just me who would eat the dishes that I WANT to make. But I need to get better at that. So, I have a favorite in the crock pot right now. Here's a link to Crockpot Chicken. It's so good!

So, in a nutshell, we are thriving! And Matt is doing great. We had a really great talk the other day about the fact that he's feeling very at peace right now. And obviously, this makes my heart so very happy! We've had a lot of closure lately. If you know us well, then you know what I mean. But basically, we have finally closed the book on a lot of things that were holding us back, and that's allowed a huge weight to be lifted from us. Yes, we are essentially starting from the bottom with baseball right now, but it's a new beginning. And the only direction he can go is up! Truly. Haha! So, in so many different aspects of our lives, we've been given a fresh start. And this has been such a breath of fresh air. Matt said he's finally having fun again. Despite all the let-downs and heartbreaks in baseball, he's choosing to put that all behind him. And so far, his new outlook is reflecting onto the field. He has been pitching great, and feeling strong, and "free and easy". And I am just SUCH a proud wife. No matter what happens.

I have to share that I was so touched by the incredible response to my last couple of blog entries. I got handfuls of comments, private messages, and text messages, and so many of you share my feelings about so many things. It feels so comforting to know that, as a woman, I am not alone in my feelings about motherhood and personal struggles. However, it also made me a little sad. Why is so hard for so many of us to let our guards down? We force ourselves to put up such a strong front. It's essential in front of our children in a lot of ways. If we were just unraveling all the time, what example would we be for our kids? But what about in private? Or with a small group of close friends? Why is so hard to be free with our emotions and feelings?

Since I became a mom, I felt the need to have the best. Not for me, for my kids. The best baby gear, the safest car seat, the best baby shoes that would promote healthy walking, only organic foods. I beat myself up for not breastfeeding my kids for as long as the next mom. Everything needed to be perfect. Perfectly scheduled, perfectly cleaned, perfectly organized. I got (and still get) compliments on how easy I made/make it all look. How calm, and even-keeled I was/am with my kids. How well-manned my kids are. I have always been incredibly flattered by these compliments. But I laugh to myself. I think, "Oh my gosh, if they only knew what it took for me to get us all out of the house." If I could just have cameras on me while I run around the house, sweating. Frantically packing the diaper bag. Trying not to forget anything. Meanwhile the baby is crying, and my older two are fighting over train tracks, I still have to take the dogs out, and none of the bottles have been washed yet. But no one sees that part. Thank God.

If people saw all of that, would they still feel the same way about me? Or would they judge my every slip of the tongue, when I say "shit" in front of one of my kids, or how I let the dishes pile up, and the laundry sit unfolded for days. I am imperfect. And I still judge. We all do. Moms are the worst "judgers" of all. We judge so incredibly harshly. Other moms' choices and parenting styles. We judge them by their out-of-control 2 year-old at the playground, and by the choices they make about what food they buy, and how they dress, and how their kids dress. I am SO imperfect. So what gives me the right to make judgements about anyone else? God judges us enough, so I certainly should not be wasting my time. Everyone has a story. Just like no one knows what it took me to get us all out of the house, and loaded up in the car, I have no idea what those other moms' mornings were like.

At the end of the day, when I sometimes choose sleep over food, I have a chance to reflect on all of this. And I've been able to read through the wonderful, SUPPORTIVE responses to this blog. My silly little blog. One friend was shocked to read that I have insecurities. Um, yes. Don't we all? Just because I don't think I'm the epitome of perfection, doesn't mean I'm sad, or weak. And just because I'm kind of a mess sometimes, does that really mean I'm anything less than a great mom? Again, I am not perfect. In many ways. But my kids are loved. Not just loved, but treasured, and they know this. I am blessed. My life is crazy, and I usually only have time to wash my hair a couple times a week, and my kids drive me nuts, and I miss having time for friends, and I do kind of wish I had my pre-baby body back. But I really do love my life. My kids. My husband. My messy, tiny house. I just want to be honest. And I wish more people also wanted to be honest. And I wish we could all soften ourselves to each other. It's been such a breath of fresh air to share a part of myself here, and I look forward to even more opportunities!

Let's Be Honest.

I've always tried very hard, maybe too hard, to be seen as a fairly confident girl. When things hurt me or bother me, I do a pretty decent job of not letting my emotions be obvious. But I am much more sensitive than most people understand. I do not let very many people in, close to my heart. And in a lot of ways, that has backfired. Not many people know where I really stand on core issues... even where I stand when it comes to the little things.

I am not the best, the smartest, the prettiest, the fastest, the coolest, the most talented, the funniest, or the strongest. Just to name a few. And sometimes that's hard to acknowledge. I let my opinion of myself depend too much on what others think of me... or what I think they think of me. I have been known to work myself up so much because of this horribly ugly weakness, that I can make myself sick. I care FAR TOO MUCH about what others think of me. It is what I wish I could change about myself the most. 

Because I do not let many people know my heart, most people do not know anything about my personal journey during these passed couple of years. And truthfully, most people will never know the extent of WHY I've traveled the road that I have. And I'm glad for that. Because it is not a pretty journey. It is ugly, and tearful, and sad. But I am a survivor. And that's because I let Jesus into my heart, and He showed me more mercy and grace than this sinner will ever deserve. I am still developing this relationship with the lord. I work on it every day. We talk constantly, and I am so thankful for this. 

One of the biggest prayers that I have for myself is to learn to let things roll off of me like water. I'll never know why a lot of things happen or have happened. Why friends have come into my life, and then left. I'll always wish I could go back and do things differently, or say things differently in so many ways, but that is just impossible, unfortunately. I'll try to analyze every detail of things that have gone wrong. Why we've seen more success, and more disappointment in the passed 5 years than anyone should ever deal with. I'll never know why my hair sucks so hard, and takes at least an hour to tame. I'll wish I could be as pretty as her, or her, but this is my face, and this is my gnarly post-pregnancy body, and I need to just embrace it all. I'll never know why things can't be just the way I wish they were. As much as I TORTURE myself about every single thing for the rest of my life, it won't matter. Because I am not the one in control.

I suppose this turned into a more journal-like post. And I guess that's okay. I am learning so much in this life. It took me a really long time to truly open my eyes to this world. And I'm STILL learning. I will be learning for the rest of my life. I need to loosen up, and learn to let go. God knows who needs to be in my life, and He will keep those near me who He sees belong near me. And as I continue to struggle with being such a huge critic of myself, I pray that people who love me, can try to understand my complicated heart. That I am not perfect, even though I really do wish I was.

Hands Free Mama

I've wanted to write so many times lately, about so many things. But I somehow prioritize writing after a number of other things. Unimportant things, really. Things that should not take up as much time in my life as they do... but they do. And that's going to change. I've been a mess lately, I'll be the first to admit.

Matt's gone. After Spring Training, the Dodgers released him. We patiently (sort of) waited for another opportunity to present itself, and a few weeks later it finally did. He signed with an Independent team in New Jersey called the Jackals. We are hopeful, and prayerful, that it's not long before an affiliated team signs him back. But in the meantime, I am with the kids in Arizona still. And it is lonely.

And other than that, it has just been me... holding down the fort, and trying to keep my composure and sanity. And be 2 parents in one, by showing my kids all the love and attention that Matt and I would both be giving them. It's hard. I won't sugarcoat it. I am a crying, frazzled mess. I yell more than I want to. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision, and then once I make up my mind, I beat myself by convincing myself that I've made a horrible choice. I don't get enough sleep, and I'm stressed. And I just miss my hubby. And I wish I could tell the future in so many ways, and wind myself up so tight thinking about EVERYTHING, that I feel like I could explode.

On top of the craze of this everyday life I live, I also make myself crazy by trying to constantly stay up-to-date on the most recent pictures that people post on Facebook and Instagram. The constant status updates. Trying to comment on all of the one million different things that I see and read, and feel guilt (GUILT!) for not "liking" every single one. And I do this in the midst of my children, who see this terrible bad habit of mine, and think it's okay and normal.

Well, it's NOT okay OR normal. My parents may not have been perfect, but they were THERE. Physically and mentally and emotionally. We read, and played outside, and they were usually right there with us. Watching us. Never looking down to check some device. I need to be more like that.

So, this was a lot of information. And a pretty roundabout way of saying that, "I'm cutting back!" I have to make a better effort of being 100% present for my kids. When they nap, I'll read more. I'll do more crafts, and be more on top of chores, so that when they do wake up... I'll be more prepared to just be there. I'm going hands free!

Spring Has Sprung

Why do I always do this? I have to start my blog posts with an apology because I have waited so long to post. I should simply post more often, so that I do not feel the need to apologize. But since it's been about 6 months, let's get this over with. I'M SORRY!!! ;-)

Well, clearly, I popped. Our baby girl blessed us with her arrival on October 6th, 2011. And I owe you a very long and detailed birth story! I just love birth stories. But to it all justice, it'll have to wait, so that I can really compose my thoughts and write it well. But just to let you know... she is AMAZING. Fills my heart more and more every day with love and joy.

Sydnie and Parker and just as wild and rambunctious as ever. The are getting more funny and smart with each day, and I can only just marvel at the things that come out of those little mouths. Sydnie is the girliest of girls. Everything is flowers, kittens, princesses, dollies, and make believe. She loves to help me cook, and take care of her baby sister. She often says, "When I'm big, I can [fill in the blank] just like you!" It's really so sweet. But the magical age of 3 has also brought out the sass and vinegar that sometimes drives me to drink.

Parker is as rough and tumble as ever. We went through a brief phase in which it seemed that he had a new injury every week. Something was bloodied, bruised, or swollen. I'm glad that's over. He has either gained more control of his limbs, or he's just gotten tougher. Either way, I appreciate the down time. He loves anything having to do with trains, cars, baseball, dinosaurs, and Mickey Mouse. He blows me away with his little brain sometimes. He counts, knows the alphabet, sings songs without help or prompting. It's amazing.

I am, just as always, scrambling this time of year to make it all happen: find us a short term, pet friendly rental in the city that Matt will play in for the season, furnish the place, decide whether to bring our own linens and towels and kitchen supplies, or buy all new things when we get there, or rent them. I have to tie up all loose ends behind me, have our mail forwarded, make sure the kids have all necessary clothing items that are appropriate for the climate we'll be in, lug the baby gear, and pet supplies, and then decide how to fit it all into a car already full of people. Good thing we've decided to bring two cars this year! And barring any last minute surprises, we'll head to Albuquerque, NM next week! OMG.

Getting there!

I'm getting closer and closer to my due date, and I just can't believe how surreal it all still feels. I've told a few people that no matter how many times I've done this, it just doesn't get any less incredible. Labor and delivery can be different with each pregnancy, so as much as I know what to expect... I don't! Maybe my water will break this time. Maybe my contractions will take it easy on me this time, and I won't realize I'm in labor until I'm actively progressing. Maybe I'll go over my due date (oh gosh, I hope not!) And of course, I've had two children, and know what they looked like when they were first placed on my chest. I'll remember those moments so vividly until my dying day. But they were both so different looking to me... what will this little person look like? Will she scream as loud as her brother did? Will she have a full head of hair like both her siblings did? Will she be a big baby, or a little bitty one? It's almost overwhelming to think about all the possibilities. All I know is that I love this girl so very much already, our sweet gift from God, and I know that my heart will want to explode when I finally see her face-to-face.

I'm anxious for my body to progress the way that it didn't know how to do (without some help) previously. So far, so good. Last Wednesday I was 2 cm dilated and 75% effaced. I never dilated past 1 cm with Sydnie and Parker until I was actually in labor, so I'm PRAYING that making this progress so far helps my cause later on. My next appointment is on Wednesday the 28th, and in the meantime, I'm doing everything I can to move things along naturally. I finished a whole, fresh pineapple this morning (started it yesterday afternoon), I've been taking Evening Primrose Oil and Red Raspberry Leaf capsules since I was 34 weeks, I've been walking, bouncing on my yoga ball, and... Matt's helping a little bit too ;-) You know what they say, "What got you into this can get you out of this!"

'Nuff said. ;-)

I would LOVE to have a September baby. I think it would be nice for each kid to have their own birth month. But the days of September are quickly running out! We will see, I guess. I want my Quinny to be fully cooked and ready to come out. But for the record, this mama is READY!

It's been so long since I last posted, and SO much has happened since then. It would be too difficult to sun it all up without a few chapters, so I'll bullet point the important stuff.

• We're having a baby GIRL!!!! My actual due date is only 4 weeks away. 29 days to be exact (but who's counting?) I doubt I'll make it that far. As anxious as I am to meet this little person, and have my belly back to myself, I am savoring these last days with her inside of me. She's quiet, easy to take care of, and for the most part, lets me sleep. And I have really, actually, enjoyed this pregnancy fully. I think the realization that this will be my last has had me appreciate it so much more. (Not that I didn't appreciate it before. I was always just so anxious to be done). I've embraced the changes I see in my body, and realize that the scale can tell me whatever it wants... I will lose the baby weight. I always do. My baby is growing healthy inside of me, and if that means I have to gain 35+ pounds, then so be it. This is how MY body does pregnancy. And her sweet kicks and punches are just incredibly precious. I'll miss it.
• Matt came home at the end of July. Disappointing and saddening... and maddening season to say the least. Those who know us well know the story. There's really no reason to rehash it all. He'll play Winter Ball this December in the Domincan Republic. I'm trying not to think about how challenging and sad it will be to have him away for 6 weeks during that time of the year. Definitely trying to focus on the positive that can/WILL come of his efforts. I believe in him SO MUCH.
• Sydnie and Parker are amazing. Just growing and changing, and developing the most adorable and funny personalities. As tired as I am these days, it is such a joy to watch them learn and play... and learn and play together... and fight together too. But what are siblings for? :-)
• We are mostly all moved into our little condo/townhouse in Tempe, AZ. We love it here. It's small(er) for us, but it's all we need. It's quiet, and cute, and we're happy. We're learning to deal with the heat as the summer wraps itself up. And we're in love with the scenery, and the area we're in. We look forward to starting our search for the area where we'll permanently settle down, but for now, we're staying put. It's fun to dream/talk about what we want in our next house, and where it will be. We'll see!!

So that's about it! Lots to come in the next few weeks. We can't wait to meet our Quinny Girl!

Phew!

So, I owe you lots of explanation. We are, in fact, in Syracuse, NY. Syracuse, where it is cold and dreary, and there's little green to be seen as far as I can see. It's still Winter here, really. Quite a change from our sunny and bright, 85 degree weather in Florida. But the kids and I are having fun wearing our "Boops and chackets" for a change. But we're getting a little case of cabin fever. It's not that cold, but it's not warm enough to spend hours at the park, swinging on swings. So we sit. We color, and watch movies, and read books, and I just bought our first official batch of Play-Doh (Lord, help me). And we'll start going to My Gym next week. Oh, and there's been a little baseball. We finally made it to our first game of the season on Thursday (the team was on the road for the first week, and the home opener on Wednesday was rained out). It was fun to see some familiar faces, and a couple new faces as well. And I'm, of course, missing some faces from seasons past, but alas, thus is the life. Saying goodbye to some, while you gain some new.

Now let me back up. We were sent to Harrisburg, yes. But three days after "the demotion", a little angel reached out to Matt. Without getting into too much detail, this angel believes in Matt so much, that he stuck his neck out for him, and got Matt back to AAA. Matt isn't starting the year as a starting pitcher, but will be in the bullpen for the unforeseeable future. But we're okay with it. It's been an adjustment to say the least, getting started for him. It is, after all, a completely new way of thinking for a man who has always looked at the game one way. But I truly believe that he will not only "get it", but will embrace it fully, and excel. I pray for this for him.

So we are here. We were able to get our awesome apartment back, just in the nick of time. We got furniture rented, and cancelled my last minute plans in Harrisburg. And everything worked out just fine. It always does.

Moving out of the house was an adventure. Thank God for Garrett Mock (our good friend who has been playing with Matt for years. They were traded to the Nationals from the Diamondbacks together, and he and his wife have been wonderful friends to us through the years. Garrett is actually living with us in our second bedroom at the apartment too) who truly got us through our moving debacle gracefully, and humorously. Almost everything we own is inside of 3, 16 foot PODs that are sitting at a PODs facility in Melbourne, FL. And as soon as we are ready for them, they'll be driven out to Arizona. Our house still hasn't sold, but we are trying to stay positive and patient.

I am looking more and more pregnant by the day, but am still in the "awkward stage", where strangers aren't sure if I'm just a little chubby around the middle, or pregnant. There's definitely a baby in there though. It still hits me at different times that this is actually for real. We are actually having another baby. It's kind of surreal still. While there is little time to just sit quietly, and feel my tiny baby move inside of me, I have managed to feel a few of those first flips and bubbles. It never gets old. How could it? It's always been a miraculous thing to me. To be nourishing this tiny creature, as it grows, and moves, and swallows, and grimaces (probably at the shrieks and loud noises it's siblings produce all. day. long.). And even after this chapter in my life's book closes- when I am beyond my child-bearing years, I will still be amazed by the little lives that God chose to bless me with. And seeing a pregnant belly on one of my friends will still leave me in awe, and probably make me ache a little bit. This baby, our big little surprise, is such a blessing!

And we'll know what "it" is SOON! On the 27th, we'll drive over an hour to see our little fetus in 3d, and will (assuming Baby cooperates) find out whether I can shop for blue or pink!! I'm SO excited.

Matt and I think there's a girl in there, but will welcome either whole-heartedly! I'll be counting the days ;-)

What a day. What. A. Day.

Some days, baseball is such a fun part of our lives. And some days, it feels like baseball is ruining our lives. Today was the latter. We learned that we won't be in Syracuse to start the season afterall, we'll be in Harrisburg again. Feels like a cruel joke, and a totally unwelcomed repeat of last year. I know that things came around last season, and Matt persevered through lots of challenges, and I was SO proud of him. I'm still proud of him! I know that everything will be okay when we come out on the other side of this, and I know that God's hand is in all of this, so I'm trying to remain positive and strong. But it's hard not to say, "This isn't fair." But I guess life just isn't sometimes.

I forget sometimes that a lot of people have no idea what our lives are like. I mean the real daily life as a family in baseball (or any professional sport for that matter). It's fun, but it's really no picnic. Let me just explain. I woke up this morning, bright and early, as is normal for this time of year. Matt and I got the kids ready (still in jammies) to head out the door. We dropped him off at the field just after 7:30 a.m., and went straight to Target where I planned to get some last minute housewares for our awesome apartment in Syracuse that I was really excited about. I found some great deals on plastic dishes, serving utensils, a couple plastic tubs for packing, and a Disney princess toddler air mattress. I got us checked out, and was just about to start loading the car when I noticed I had a missed call from Matt. I called him back as I was wheeling our big, two seater shopping cart the last few steps to the car, and started telling him all about my finds. He paused, and said, "Well..." And I just knew. I said, "Oh no, what happened?" And he said, "We're going back to Harrisburg." UGH. The wind got sucked right out of my sails. I held it together while we finished on the phone, finished loading the car, getting the kids strapped in, and after I wheeled the cart to the cart return, I slammed it to the end. Furious. Frustrated. Sad. How is this fair?! The tears started flowing while we drove back to the house. I unloaded everything, got the kids situated, and set up camp in front of the computer. I had to cancel EVERYTHING. All of my DAYS of research and plans. Where to live that was safe for our family, near shops and activities, a place that was pet friendly, would offer a short term lease, furnishings. Oh, no furnishings? Okay, I'll make arrangements with a rental company. Sign another lease. Etc, etc. Nope, cancel it all. Start over from scratch, this time for an entirely different city, in a state that we only thought we'd have to drive through on our way to where we were going. Not anymore.

I'm trying to look on the bright side. I really am. I count my blessings. OUR blessings. Everyday.

And I know that good things will come of this. I have to believe it at least. Positive thinking, right?

We'll get through it.

Big News!

Well, it took me two days longer to report back than I had planned, but I am excited to say that...

We are having another baby!!!

The news came as a surprise for us at first. A BIG surprise, but we are feeling so very blessed by this little one. I had an ultrasound yesterday, and saw that sweet baby dancing, and flipping, and stretching, and waving its little hands around. I was truly moved to tears. Knowing that the Lord is trusting me with another of His sweet angels is very humbling. And knowing that this little creature could not survivie without me right now is an amazing thought. My body is protecting it, and nourishing it until it's ready to be with us one day. I'm just in awe of the whole process, even with it being my third experience. I could think about it, and talk about it All.Day.Long!

Life continues to keep us busy, and it is pretty amazing how fast my 1st trimester has gone by already! (Well, technically there is another full week before I'm in that glorious 2nd trimester, but close enough, right?!) We have our POD containers being delivered on Monday morning, that we will load up with our entire lives, and have them sent to a PODs storage facility here in Melbourne. Then, when we're ready, we'll have the containers put onto a truck, and driven out to us in Arizona! In the meantime, we continue to pack like crazy! I'm almost thankful that we haven't had a house showing request in the last few days, because I feel like our house has been turned upsidedown lately! And a little good news, although none to get TOO excited about yet: we are waiting to get our first official offer on the house today! Apparently, the buyer just needs to sign the official offer, and then we will start the process. BUT our Realtor, Rhonda, has told us that she doesn't think it's going to be an offer we like. We're trying to think positively though, and the fact that the potential buyer is even making the effort to write up an offer means that they are technically serious, but is probably trying to get a feel for our level of "desperation". I'll post an update as soon as I have one!

I am counting the hours until tomorrow morning! If you know me well, then you know why! I am asking for prayers of patience and health. I will update and share more information with you sometime tomorrow!

We're nearing the end of our off season at home, and I can't help but feel anxious. There are so many changes that accompany the start of this baseball season. Maybe good changes, but maybe scary changes. Only time will tell. In the meantime, we are frantically trying to sell our house here in Florida before we leave town, in hopes that I will not have to return myself with the kids to tie up any loose ends on my own. House showings and Open Houses have given me a couple gray hairs (no joke, I have a few), but I am trying to remain positive that the right person or family will love our home as much as we have. And I pray that this happens in a timely manner, because, let's face it, having to carry a mortgage AND a rent during the season is not easy on the bank account or the spirit. This positive attitude is something that I've had to embrace as of late. With all of the changes in our lives right now, how well would things go if I just sat around and wallowed? Trust me, there are days that I want to; I wish I could just call the Nationals GM and ask him what our fate is with the team, and I wish I could just snap my fingers and have this house packed up completely and sold, and I wish I knew where we were going to live come this Fall when we make the cross-country move to Arizona. But wishing for all of these things really won't get me anywhere. So I think positively. And pray a little too.

Among all of that craziness, I've felt a lot of sadness in these past few months. Sadness for our sweet friends who lost their little baby daughter in December, and sadness now for another family who has lost their sister/daughter/wife, etc. to a pulmonary embolism just days after giving birth to a precious baby girl of her own. These, with other tragic current events, have made my heart heavy. But they have also shown me that there is just no time to waste wallowing in my own personal "what if's" and "I wish's". I am a blessed woman. I have a loving husband, who, despite my many many flaws, loves me anyway. And I have two absolutely beautiful children, who I love so much it aches. And life really is beautiful. All will be okay when we come out on the other side of these trials, no matter what.

So Long, 2010

It's hard to believe we are in our last day of the year. I'm feeling full of reflection as I look back on what seems like such a whirlwind of a year, full of blessings, and lots and lots of trials. It's funny to me that while going through those trials, it never dawns on you that, "Gee, this is rough, but I'm gonna learn a lot from this." You just get through it, grow from it, learn a lesson, and move on. It's not until a day like today where I have a little time to think, amidst the chaos of life with a 2 year-old learning to pee on the potty, and a 1 year-old who's popping out two top molars, that I realize what a real doozy 2010 was.

But it wasn't all bad. Like I said, there were blessings too. I've watched my babies grow into toddlers. I've relearned what it is to be a good wife to my husband. I've learned how important it is not to lose sight of what is real and good. I've decided that I don't care where I live, as long as I have my sweet family there with me, then all is right in the world. And that is just naming a few.

I am going to keep this short, but just want to share a couple of my New Year's Resolutions:

1. Read more

2. Blog more

3. Work harder on my relationship with God

4. Show my husband how much I truly love him. Every day.

5. Be more active with my kids

6. Don't sweat the small stuff

Happy New Year to you all! Here's to a 2011 full of love, health, and happiness, full of blessings!

I promised myself I'd be a more regular poster, but it seems like life just gets in the way sometimes. The past couple weeks have been a whirlwind. Matt had a pretty awesome April in Harrisburg, PA. He was feeling great, the weather was getting warmer, and we knew lots of positive changes were in store.

On Wednesday the 5th, the kids and I met Matt after the game, and walked to the car together. We got there, and he casually said, "So, I'm throwing on Saturday in DC." I was a little caught off guard, strapping child #1 into her car seat, so it took a moment for that statement to sink in. "OH MY GOSH!!!! HONEY!!!!" I exclaimed! I was SO thrilled for Matt, since I'd seen first hand what a long and hard road it'd been, coming back from his injury. We got in the car and he explained that it wasn't really official "news" yet. He was going to spot start for one of the Nationals' pitchers who was having some elbow soreness, and we'd probably head straight back to Harrisburg after the game. But we were both SO excited that he had been given such an awesome opportunity.

I think a lot about how, when Matt first came into the Nationals organization back in '06, we were both sort of thrown into this whirlwind (let's see how many times I can use that word in one post). We were engaged the following off season, and off we went to our first Spring Training in Florida. He broke camp with the team, and we were on such an adventure that year. Now I can't speak for Matt, but I know that I never really took the time to sit back and soak up all the experiences and REALLY appreciate where we were. I think it's really hard not to take it all for granted, and believe that *this* is how your life will be forever and ever. No one ever expects that they will deal with a career-changing injury and surgery, and that life as you know it would maybe not be the same anymore. I've told a lot of people that I believe Matt had Tommy John in 2008 for some obvious reasons, and for some not-so-obvious reasons. He was able to come home to Viera to rehab, help me close on a house that I'm not sure I could've closed on by myself, be with me during the second half of my first pregnancy, AND spend just about every day with our first-born for most of her first year of life. If it weren't for having surgery, he would've missed all of that. So, there is always a silver lining. After Matt's rehab assignment, we assumed that he would join the team once again in Washington DC, and everything would be back to "normal", but things don't always work out the way you think they will. And even after a great Spring Training this year, things didn't happen the way we thought they would. Matt was back in Double-A level baseball, a level we BOTH thought he'd never see again.

Seeing Matt succeed, and get an opportunity like he had two weeks ago makes all the stress and disappointment and heartache so so SO worth it. Seeing him back on the mound in Nationals Park was awesome! For the first time in a long time, I took a step back and soaked it all up. I felt so proud that I'd seen him come so far. It all really does come full circle.

After the game against the Marlins on the 8th, we drove back to PA. The next day, I dropped Matt of at the stadium on City Island as usual. He called me about an hour later to tell me that he'd been promoted AGAIN (haha) to AAA Syracuse! So I picked him up, we packed everything up, and headed out the next morning. What an adventure this season has been so far!

It's the 20th.

And that means that each of my babies are one month older. Sydnie is 18 months-old, and that makes her an official 1 and a half year-old! It is really hard for me to comprehend the fact that in 6 short months, she will be TWO YEARS OLD! How did this happen?! She has just, in the last week or so, started to say lots of new words. She is currently working on, "happy", "bath", "more", "doggie", and says "hi" loud and clear! And today, my sweet baby boy, Parks is 4 months old. It's been a blur! He's still a little bitty baby, but he is so different than the little bundle I met in december. He is rolling over, grabbing toys and putting them in his mouth, cooing, and cooing LOUDLY! He is ALL boy already... so different from my laid-back first baby. But I looooooove how different they are.

Yesterday, we had so much fun. We went to a cute little place called Playhouse Cafe. It's a little coffee shop that is geared towards parents and their kids. There is a playroom for 2-6 year olds, and a separate room called the "tot spot" for babies to 2 year-olds. Sydnie had a ball, despite the fact that we had missed the big crowd of kids that had been there earlier. (Pictures to come later) I am sure we will be regulars there :-) I also signed Sydnie up for Gymboree this week, and her first class is on Thursday morning! I am so excited for her!!

Attitude Adjustment

I've been really negative lately. Pitifully negative. And I am just not a negative person... realistic yes, but generally positive. And it's amazing how negativity affects your daily life. When I am in a bad mood, the world is against me. Everything goes wrong. I get locked out of my apartment, I spill coffee on my white shirt, my kids are fussy, blah blah blah. I KNOW that everything would seem so much better and easier if I just adjusted my attitude.

Matt and I were talking last night about how a lot of things aren't "fair". How it seems like it's been us against the world lately. We stopped ourselves and realized how awful we sounded. I fell asleep asking for peace when I woke up, just a new outlook, and a little more understanding and patience. And today, I have felt fresh. I have known in my heart through this whole "experience" these past couple weeks that this is all happening for a reason, but it took me until today to just be okay with that. This is all part of the plan for us, and I NEED to learn to sit back and enjoy the ride. I've finally let myself stop hating this place, and this place has stopped hating me back. Here's to more good days to come...

It's that time again...

Where I become a "single mom" for most of six months. And there's nothing like being thrown to the wolves for the first week of the season! Matt has been on the for about 5 days now, which has left me alone with two babies and two dogs. To say that I am tired would be an understatement, but thus is the life of a baseball wife/mama... you just do it.

Let me back up. Matt had a great Spring Training. He is back to feeling like himself again, and has even gained a few MPH on his fastball, which is so exciting. But most importantly, he FELT good. He also, despite one not-so-pretty outing, pitched really well. After his not-so-pretty outing, he was sent down to minor league camp to play with the Syracuse Chiefs (AAA) for the season. He continued to pitch well, and we began making arrangements to live in Syracuse. Spring Training was coming to a close, and we planned to start the drive up north on Sunday the 3rd (Easter Sunday, actually). I was busily getting things packed, when he called me from the field on Saturday morning to tell me that he had been sent down AGAIN. We both felt a whole variety of emotions, ranging from frustrated to hurt to furious. There was just no explanation for this that we could think of. But obviously, these things are out of our control, and there was nothing that we could do other than be mad. I wish I could a little more into detail, but to write about all the politics publicly would be disrespectful. So, our route changed, and we headed to Harrisburg, PA.

Matt is looking forward to his first start of the season in Bowie, MD on Monday. The babies and I will drive out to Bowie (about 2 hours away) to watch the game and stay the night. We are all really looking forward to seeing Daddy!

This week has been a great experience for me, despite the fact that I could use a hand! I feel a new level of confidence as a mom of two under two. I'm sure by the end of the season, I'll need a few days at the spa!